My name is Victoria. I’m (not) new to xanga. I had one several… several years ago. Like, junior high years ago. Which for me, high school feels like a long time ago (lies) (ish.)
I’m a college student studying music and… well, I’m still figuring that out. I am a teenager (not for too long though) so I like to feel like I have time to figure that out.
Now that you have some brief information on me, let’s get down to business.
I (like many others in the internet blogging community) am *using* this xanga account as a means for dealing with personal problems. This is where I will word vomit all of my thoughts, dreams, expectations, wishes, problems (sorry), and…. again- mostly going to be word vomit.
I’m not a very eloquent writer, so be prepared for the blunt force of… words. I also just suck at words. That’s probably the best way to put it.
I like to *think* myself an open book, someone who can read others and understand how I should carry myself based on interactions (horrible). But this is difficult seeing as people and me and words and hard and fuck shit over all the time tenfold.
As I state on my tumblr blog (it’s beauty in true form) (lies): “I like people… but I like being alone more most of the time.”
A social introvert. Try that one. Oxymoron. I just love that word for the 2 reasons that it has the word moron and an x. Or a x. Fuck.
My life is just an oxymoron. I don’t understand what’s going on around me about… 74% of the time. I just kind of wander during that time. The other 26% of the time… productivity?
Anyway, back to business that I stray from so easily (fact.)
I am a college student trying to find my place in this world without screwing things up too much in the process. Right now, I’m not doing a very good job at that last part.
Almost 4 years ago, I was diagnosed with asthma.
Boy, were the doctors wrong on that one.
I was having physical manifestations of an anxiety disorder (heart palpitations) and I just thought I couldn’t breathe. Then when I told my track coach I thought I was having heart problems because what I was feeling was sudden quickening of the heart beat (definition of heart palpitations), he said: You’re too young.
That might have been one of the few times I’ve ever been told that.
It wasn’t until my freshman year of college though that we realized “Oh hey! This chick does not have asthma. Dur.” I then started taking anti-depressants (the same my dad takes) to aid the anxiety.
…. one more thing…. I suck at remembering things…. like… really bad…. it’s horrible…. especially daily things…. important…. daily things… yeah… oops…
So that lasted for a few months.
After going back to school my sophomore year, I began experiencing problems once again. This time, with extra fun.
Like…. almost putting myself in the hospital fun.
I began to see a psychiatrist for clinical depression and anxiety. Since then, I have been on several different anti-depressants and different doses of medication.
Nothing has been working.
I know… it takes months.
Some people don’t have months though. Hollowness doesn’t have months. It has moments. Moments that I don’t know how to handle.
It’s very difficult trying to blend in with friends. Especially when friends are going through similar things.
One of my friends has anxiety, depression, anorexia, and probably other issues that I don’t know about.
Another has self-esteem issues through the roof along with anorexia.
It’s difficult to truly understand someones’ situation without living it. I can’t understand their issues and pain because there are things in life that they have or they’ve experienced and feelings that I won’t ever know.
Now, I’m just trying not to waste thousands of dollars on my education while debating just picking up and going. Leaving this life behind me and starting something new.
Definitely going to go some where sunny. I don’t like winter at all.
It’s not that I don’t like the cold and snow and Christmas (lies) but I have a *very* good feeling that my depression is triggered by seasons. Seasonal depression. Yeah. That. And to fix that… sun! Yay! Warmth! Yay! Summer! Yay! Happy! Maybe!
I struggle with many things, but with a new year, there’s a new start to everything (hopefully.)
Hopefully, this is a new start for a new-ish but still recognizable me.
And here we go.