Always Getting In The Way

Well, today was highly unproductive (fact.)

I watched White Collar and Pitch Perfect (fangirling for first time in life) (ish.)

On the bright side, I did register for another class for next semester which put me at being a full-time student. Still, it’s the first semester that I will be under 16 credit hours. This will hopefully be a better semester than last for that reason.

I registered for a 3 s.h. religion class. I made sure to check to ensure I wasn’t getting myself in over my head (much like I did last semester) (oops.) He was rated higher than any other professor I’ve had yet which should be a good sign. Also with the whole Catholic-school-education-graduated-thing, I think I should do fine in the class. And lucky me– I should be done with all my gen eds after this semester (hopefully.)

Now, I just need to decide what I’m doing with my life.

Oh hey, kind of important, yeah? (maybe.)

Well, I’ve got a few options:

1. I continue with my current declared majors being music and Pre-medicine. This, however, means that I’d have to retake Calculus (very long story. Bottom line, I had an extremely incompetent professor.) I would also go crazy being in school forever. But, I have really liked the idea of working with people and especially women. I want to be an Ob/Gyn, but we’ll see how that goes.

2. The option my dad has been pushing me towards for the past… I don’t know. Pre-Pharmacy. I expressed intrest until music took a huge role in my person. It’s a respected field, challenging but reachable, I wouldn’t be in school for forever, and a good pay. I could start applying to Pharmacy school next year, so I would need to hurry my whole music degree thing along. I would still need to retake Calculus just for safety sake and also… I just need to fix my pride. 

3. Drop science all together. Get a BA in saxophone and possibly pick up a double in clarinet or flute (more likely clarinet, since I’ve played that for much longer than I’ve played flute.) Try to get pit jobs. This option appeals to me most now, since this is my absolute dream job. But of course, it is also the most irrational and irresponsible but I also don’t know how else I could be happy with my life. 

I took a flute techniques class last semester. The instructor sent me an email at the end of the 5-week class saying how impressed she was by how quick I was able to pick up the instrument. She said I was the fastest learner she had ever taught and that I should stick with it because I had some real potential.

This is a doctoral student at my university and she has taught countless students from all over the country at all ages.

If this isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is.

She also told me about her husband who does pit shows. That’s his job. He does saxophone, clarinet, and flute. She said if I was already proficient at saxophone and clarinet, I should think about it.

Seriously, what am I doing with my life?

It would be a dream come true if I could do that or play in orchestras/bands for movies and such.

Music is, has, and will always be my person. Who am I to deny what I love?

I know my parents (biological) would support me. Well, more so they couldn’t deny me this chase. My mother was a dancer. A ballerina. My father was a drummer in several rock bands. 

It was very recently that my dad disclosed to me that he and my mom were about to pack up and leave for Vegas one summer. My mom was no longer dancing for the Boston Ballet and my dad was fresh out of gigs. She was going to be a dancer and Vegas and my dad was going to play in live bands which were huge at the time- especially in a place like Vegas. Vegas. It just… gosh. It’s Vegas. It was Vegas. That was until they were hugging my mom’s parents goodbye, ready to hit the road for Nevada that my mom received a call from the Louisville Ballet asking for her to join their company as a soloist.

Of course, they went to Louisville.

If my mom did teach me one thing in her life, it was that I should always go for my dreams. 

But if I’m going to make that change, I think I need to start new.

Transfer colleges. I would probably go up to UNI. They offered me scholarships before, maybe I could get some again.

Probably not, but we’ll see.

One of my best friends has been begging me to transfer since day one. We were both planning on going to Iowa, then he decided to go somewhere else, then I was all whatever, and then yeah. Here. We. Are.

Plan #3 hasn’t been divulged to many people and for a good reason. I believe my UNI friend is the only one who really knows. 

People would try to change my mind if I told them. Not about the science thing, my friends don’t give two shits to what I do with my life so long as I’m happy. But I don’t think I would be able start over again here at Iowa where people already know me a judge me and such. I couldn’t look them in the eye without feeling horribly uncomfortable. Especially my fellow saxophonists in my studio. 

But I know I would hate myself every day for it.

I love this university. I love my friends. I love my studio. I love my professor. But I couldn’t come back crawling on my hands and knees begging to be a true saxophonist.

Pride is my greatest downfall.

Or rather Shame is my biggest fear.

The mentally unstable girl who can’t figure out what she wants to do with her life.

But I’ve got it made here almost. I’m a part of one of the best classical saxophone studios in the nation under the tutelage of one of greatest classical saxophonists of our time.

But I just don’t think I could do it. Stupid Pride.

Always getting in the way.


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