It is official. I am becoming nocturnal (hoot-hoot.)
I was kinda-sorta sleepy at around midnight (fact), tried falling asleep about an hour and a half ago (ish), decided that wasn’t working and started writing.
Not on here, although this is where I am now (obviously.)
And it’s 3:31 AM and I’m not even tired.
I have insomnia issues.
Which is for real.
My doctor just doesn’t like to prescribe things to me (which I can’t really blame her.) I suffer from clinical depression and severe anxiety. I have increased my dosage recently and while I haven’t really noticed anything too different, I do feel like in some ways I am feeling better.
I don’t find myself having periods of extreme self-loathing sessions where I pick apart every single flaw I have very often. My thoughts of suicide are becoming fewer and fewer.
My anxiety is what the real problem is though.
I know that my depression stemmed from my anxiety issues. Pulling up my bank records today made me have a panic attack since I hadn’t checked them in a long time. Everything looks pretty good though. After that, though, I still couldn’t shake the feeling. My arms felt like they were rubber but twitching at the same time, my chest was about to fly away from my body, and my legs just wanted to run like crazy.
I know restlessness is a side effect from the medication I’m on, especially in the legs. But this was something I was trying to get away from. With my anxiety, I feel restless all the time. It’s as if I were constantly drinking coffee (which is why I can’t drink that much of it which is really sad.) I went up in dosage because I was having problems with the anxiety.
THIS. ISN’T. WORKING. DAMNIT.
I like my psychiatrist, I really do, and I know she is an intelligent woman. I still don’t feel like I’m myself though. But at this point, I don’t even know who ‘myself’ is. I don’t know where my roots are, where the ground starts.
Where does the ground start?