Chasm

Flyleaf- one of my favorite old bands. My love for them is resurfacing full-force.

I feel so disgusting right now.

I ate nothing good today.

I went out to eat last night.

Why can’t I do anything fucking right.

Like- my lessons with my saxophone instructor. He forgot to send me the email that he sent to everyone else in our studio. So, I still don’t have a lesson time. Every time he gives me I have a class conflict. I know it’s stupid, but I feel like it’s my fault. Like I’m such a hassel. Like I’m a burden. 

I hate this so much.

Then for Concert Band this semester, my professor emailed us with our chair placement results. As a saxophonist here, I don’t have to audition. So, I was ready to see myself under the list some where under Alto Sax with my friends. Instead, I’m the very last chair for Clarinet.

I hadn’t auditioned for clarinet…. I am and was very confused. 

I emailed the professor and it’s all very confusing. He asked what I wanted to play and was confused when I didn’t sign up for an audition for clarinet. He thought I wanted to play clarinet. While I’d be alright with playing clarinet if that’s what he needs me on, I’d rather play saxophone.

I’m getting very, very tired of people… just… not understanding or assuming or something that I’m not in the saxophone studio here anymore.

I don’t even feel like I am anymore since people ask me about it all the time.

Even my own professor forgets about me.

I just don’t know what to make of my life anymore. 

Cutting is becoming more of an addiction now. It’s bad. 

I know a few friends know.

I have a bad habit of blabbing about everything in my life to people when I feel like… I don’t know. I wish I could have just kept my mouth shut. I can’t do that though.

I fucking hate myself on so many levels right now.

I don’t like the pills I take. They don’t do anything. I hate my skin. I hate my hair. I hate my eyebrows. I hate my stomach. I hate my arms. I hate my legs. I hate my nails. I hate my fingers. I hate my chin. I hate my neck. I hate my immune system. I hate my mind most of all. My mind- the stupid, bitchy, controlling, awkward, public, messed up, stinking pit, needy, festering, broken piece of shit it is.

I hate that I can’t follow through with anything. I’m the girl that starts something and never follows through with it. 

Maybe that’s why nobody believes me. Nobody wants me. Nobody includes me. 

I hate myself so much. 

I’m not sure if I hate people for not believing me or myself more for my inability to have anybody believe me.

I just want it to go away.

Everything. Go. Away.

These thoughts, the razor blades, my body, my mind, everything.

I’m just a failure.

I’m trapped in my own Chasm.

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