An Exhausted Beginning… Maybe.

Alright start to the week.

That’s a lie.

I didn’t go to my first class today due to anxiety. I was freaking out over how long this day was going to be. And how I didn’t feel prepared for any of it. 

Then I didn’t go to Chemistry. Well, I plan on dropping that class now. And that’s now on the fence. 

I had decided that I was going to go with music. The option #3 as some of you may remember. The one I was leaning the least towards earlier. Now, I’m going to do it for the rest of my life. This is because I’m an idiot and I’m an idiot. 

I’m an idiot for some of you that missed that.

And then band just made me tired. My embouchure sucks in general. It always has. It’s just now with this whole new set up that’s really not that new but new to Dr. Tse, he can analyze my embouchure at a whole new level and I can’t hide it anymore. It’s nice because I’ve always wanted to fix it, but I could see the pain of my playing all over his face. He even told me that it was hurting him listening to me play because I was so tired. 

“Tired”

Neat.

My life is just neat.

Super duper neat. 

On a brighter note, I have been keeping my room and other things very organized.

But back to this morning and this day.

My dad didn’t call me this morning because he was talking to my sister and got called in for jury duty. 

I panicked because I had called him yesterday and hadn’t gotten a response back (which he’s usually pretty good about) and no call this morning.

So I cried in my shower. Pathetically. I cried because I was freaking out and had no one to talk to. 

And I was worried. Stupidly worried. 

So, amidst my freak-out, I got ready. Something else that has been causing me great stress is the fact that on Mondays I don’t have any time to eat. I had gotten up early, but then lost track of time and was running late. I was stressing out so much and was hungry that I decided to skip my first class to eat. 

Those two eggs I had have been keeping me going all day. That and some cashews I bought an hour before my lesson. I ate a few of them. Now I’m not hungry at all anymore. More so due to anxiety than the cashews being filling. 

I went to some classes. Group piano 2 was alright. That class is pretty boring for me. The only reasons why I’m in that class was because my fingerings for my scales were off a little and I was so nervous I fucked up my sight reading.

The “sight reading” we do in our class is silly. It’s nice to have a class that I really don’t have to worry about at all, but at this point, I would just like the free time that class fills. Although, it does make sure that I’m playing piano at least 2 days of the week.

Here’s the gist with me and piano.

If all was “right” in the world- i.e. my mom hadn’t passed away when I was younger, my family not going through a financial crisis- I would be a piano major now. I don’t doubt it for a second. 

The reason why we stopped when I was a kid was because my mom died and my dad thought we needed some time away from it. That makes me sad, because I wish I had never ever stopped. Ever. 

I started lessons back up again when I was in junior high. It wasn’t the same though. My new teacher didn’t push me as much, so I wasn’t as driven. I would work on pieces for months that should have taken me maybe a couple of weeks. 

Story of my life now.

But piano is always and has always been my escape. Yes, I love playing in ensembles, I love my saxophone, I love(ish) clarinet, but piano….

No one ever had to tell me to practice. In high school, the piano was in my room. I would come home from school, jam out for at least an hour, then go about my evening. Piano is my one true love. It always has been and always will be. But I lost too much time and am far behind those in order to really pursue it professionally. 

Band was tiring. I’ve just been drained all day. I’ve been sick to my stomach and been having head aches. I’m so tired the whole damn time because of my anxiety. I’m losing motivation to go and do things- important things. 

Then I half-assed my way through my lesson, leaving me far more drained than before trying to stay focused and trying to play well. Niether happened. And since Dr. Tse could see my exhaustion, I just made him frustrated with me and now here I am. Here I am sitting outside the school of music, waiting for 6:30 to roll around so I can go to an event for a professional fraternity I plan on joining, then I’ll go home, do some baking and homework, work on my puzzle, maybe make a bracelet, then fall asleep watching ASMR videos. Again. 

Then tomorrow, I have to have the Dean sign an add form for me so I can register for my quartet, I need to pick up an application for a job, I need to practice, I need to do homework for Thursday, I need to go grocery shopping, I need to call my dad and request for some money so I can pay my university bill, go to class, then go to a Mardi Gras celebration at our Newman Center where I will be donating 8-inches of my hair. 

My hair has gotten so long. Tomorrow, I will straighten it to remember what it’s like. Tomorrow is the last day before Lent. Maybe this Lenten season I can make some changes in my life- some changes for good. I’m getting closer and closer each week. Each day. I just need to get into a good routine- one I can stick with. I’m so obsessed with routines. 

I just need to find my routine. My new one. My perfect fit.

Today was draining, tomorrow probably will be too. The rest of this week will be too. I need to find some meditation. Something to help me center myself. I feel so out of control all the time. I’m blindly stumbling past each day just trying to feel for the nearest wall before it finds my face first. 

As for dinner now, I feel the need to eat, but at the same time I don’t.

I want something fresh. Something light.

Like sushi. 

God damn do I love this city. And the fact that this mall has a small sushi joint right across from the school of music.

Sushi.

God. Damn. Sushi.

Cheers to new beginnings, to hopeful tomorrows, and being absolutely exhausted for all the wrong reasons.

Every damn one.

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