Weather’s Crack Baby

Well, sore throats and fevers aren’t really fun.

Netflix and cat videos are though. 

I just wish that this sickness could have waited one more day to settle in. Wednesdays are busy days and there was stuff that I needed to do. Like quartet rehearsal, which has now been moved to Friday. 

Also, there is a dude. An awkward dude, but I find it endearing. 

He’s a fellow music major, a year younger than me, and a trumpet player. Wow does this sound familiar…

Sans music major part.

But the awkward part is definitely true. 

It’s one of those he didn’t catch my eye right away, but now I can’t look away.

At the same time, I really don’t want anything to become of it.

I do not want another Sean. Not at all. I want to be done with that chapter and avoid all books that make references to that chapter. 

I can’t go back to that, otherwise there will be relapses and everything and I want to be done with that.

I have improved in the past few weeks. I’ve pretty much taken myself off of the Zoloft which has been very beneficial. I feel much more like myself. Next time I visit the doctor, I’ll probably switch back to citalopram. It’s a much less active drug than Zoloft and I feel like while some day I would like to not be on any anti-depressants, today is not that day. I just need a little help to get the edge off. 

Also, I’m not sure if I’m ready for anything of the romantic sort. I still need to focus on me. And saxophone. Or Dr. Tse will have my ass. 

And Calvin, Dennis, and Michael won’t be happy. Boo responsibility. 

My eyes just hurt. So does my head. I’m still in a war. I know what I don’t want now, which is a start.

I don’t want another Sean.

I don’t want another guy that friends tell me I can do better just based off looks. I don’t want someone that I feel like I’m dragging the beginning with my teeth. I don’t want to introduce a guy to the world again. 

I’m not saying I would be doing that with this new kid, but that’s just it. I just called him kid instinctively. Ugh.

I want someone who I can stand side-by-side with and feel like equals. That I feel like the effort is equally distributed. That I feel like could take care of me.

That’s the most important part.

I don’t want someone who’s immature and can barely take care of themselves. I’m a very independent person and having someone be so dependent upon me is so awful. I feel so suffocated. I’m alright with that relationship with some people, but with my boyfriend, that should not be a… thing. It shouldn’t exist. 

With Sean… ugh, it makes my stomach ache more than this sickness is already upsetting it. Sean didn’t have many friends before we started dating. Sean’s confidence burst. Even after we broke up the first time, he became more outgoing and was hanging out with people outside of school. When we got back together, that all changed. He went back to his old self, just asking me when I would be over and when we could hang out next. It was nice that he was so enthusiastic about being with me, but when he flat out told me that he still didn’t have friends after a month of being at college, I had to take a stand. 

It sounds so contradictory. Most girls want a guy that’s going to text them through the day, whether it’s a lengthy conversation or just a “hey, thinking about you sweetie.” Most girls want a guy that the best part of his day is when he hears his voice and for him to tell them that. Most girls want a guy who when they’re just driving in the car to look at them and say “you’re so beautiful.”

I hate that.

I hate it.

I hate it.

UGH!

It’s too much pressure. It’s too… mushy. It’s too fake for me. 

I don’t care if it’s true, keep it to yourself.

It’s harsh, but seriously. I’m known to be an abrasive person at times. 

I will always go back to my first love. Ben. It just set such a high standard for me. Sorry, I know people hate being compared to exes, but seriously. This guy just got me.

We would talk every night on the phone. Usually for about an hour. Sometimes less, sometimes more. We would talk about anything and everything. We would talk while doing homework. Sometimes, words weren’t even said, we would just sit in silence and do whatever, just knowing the other person was right there. It sounds so incredibly stupid, but it worked for us. For a year and a half, it worked for us.

Still my longest relationship to date. 

Granted, we fought a lot. There were nights where we’d hang up angry at each other. He hated going to bed angry with me, so he would call me within a few hours of hanging up. I didn’t care though. I could just allow the thoughts and feelings fester beneath and go to bed. I wake up the next morning, we’d talk about it at some point durning the day, and it would be over with. That really bugged him, but that’s kind of how I work.

I can’t stay angry with people for long. I don’t know why, I just don’t. It doesn’t bother me, though. It also helps that I’m not afraid of confrontation. If I have a problem with someone, I’ll think it through, consider the situation from both sides, then approach them about it in my best behavior. Or, I at least try to be in my best behavior. 

But Ben was too controlling at the time, especially for a dude that was moving from our hometown to someplace 2,000 miles away. 

Yeah… no. 

He was a little clingy. And like I’ve said, I hate clingy. 

I should clarify.

Of course I want the guy I’m with to want to be with me. I want him to want to spend time together. 

But he has to have his own life. He has to be okay with me having a life of my own. Is that so much to ask for?

Don’t answer that.

Never answer that. Especially if I’m the asker. 

But I’ve been blade-free since… oh wow. I can’t even remember. This is a good sign. 

I’ve set down the puzzle and bracelet making for a few days. My computer has been in the repair shop for the past week so I’ve been a little deprived. I’m Binge-surfing now. 

That’s probably a real thing I shouldn’t joke about it. 

Yup. Definitely a thing.

… according to urbandictionary.com 

…. yes. 

Oops.

And not a single fuck is being given…

I’m excited to go home this weekend. Mostly because the overwhelming amount of laundry in my room has been causing me much grief and anxiety and I lack quarters to do laundry here and yay college.

But then this bitch Q storm is like “fuck your plans and become my crack babies.”

Well, alright.

I’m sick of crack, but I don’t really have a choice here.

Snow. Snow. Snow.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

One big reason why I would like to take my sister’s offer and move to LA.

My mood and the weather.

I’m a crack baby to the weather.

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