Too Awkward to Function

Well, alright.

I’m a little annoyed at how loud my roommates’ movie is right now. It’s 11:00 on a school night. I can hear it loud and clear with ear buds in. That’s not okay. Especially since I asked them to turn it down. That didn’t really happen.

Enough complaining about them though. I honestly can’t wait to move out. In all honesty, I don’t do well living with other people. My personality and everything- it makes me nervous for next year. At least I know one of my roommates is very considerate about that stuff though. Nicole is very conscious about those things. Emily… well, I can’t judge too soon, but when she was over here once and my roommates were watching a movie, she didn’t think to talk softly even after I reminded her that they were watching a movie. Who knows. I have a very good feeling about living with Nicole. Emily is very cool too, I just think too much.

But probably for my senior year I will get a studio or something. Or just live with one other person I know is quiet and considerate. That’s all I ask for. Although I feel like me drunk on the weekends will ruin that. I tend to ruin nice things.

I’m really too awkward to function. I can’t even have normal conversation with people. People that I know are my friends. I hate it. I hate this anxiety. It was manageable for my performance today, but afterwards…. I became a mumbling vegetable.

I also feel as if some of my “friendships” are more parasitic. Probably my fault. I can’t help but be angry and awkward most of the time. My anxiety runs so damned high, I lose myself.

This is why I’m medicated. This is why I’m an idiot for taking myself off the Zoloft. A big idiot.

Other than today, I’m concerned for the future. I’m getting things that need to be done completed which is a good thing. I need to call my old job and ask for my W-2. Woot. Taxes.

I don’t think I’ll have to file. I might have if I had claimed all my tips like I was supposed to. None of us ever do though. We make about 2 or 3 times what we claim most of the time. Now most of that money is gone and I’m trying to find a new job. Great fun.

I’m just getting this horrible feeling of wanting to shell back up again though. I’ve been way too extroverted the past 2 weeks and I don’t like it. This summer was wonderful. Nice weather, nice job, nice place- I would wake up early, go for a run/do some work out, shower, watch some Netflix/browse internet, go to work, go to bed, start it over again. Some days were different- like when they started putting me on the day shifts. But some weekends I’d go home and just hang out with my dad for a couple of days. Every now and then I’d go shopping with some girl friends from high school. Maybe have a card/game night with my guy friends. It was so relaxed. Didn’t have to worry about too much, mainly work.

While I enjoy the fact of going to a large school, I don’t like how big it is and how I know so many people. It makes me feel obligated to go out and be social. I’d much rather sit in my room all day.

People ask me if I’m such an introvert, how I can handle waitressing. It’s not easy, but it gives me a good balance of seeing people to not seeing people. I also loved the weather. I miss that.

I don’t like this wintery crap. And joy- we’re about to get another 4-6 inches of snow tomorrow.

It’s March. In like a lion, out like a lamb though I guess.

I’m just getting tired. Very tired of this routine that isn’t set nor relaxed. There’s always something I have to do or worry about. But I have time- albeit not a lot, but some. I just need a good reminder for why I keep doing this.

A very good reminder.

Right now, all I’m seeing is how many guys are unavailable, unattractive, or out of my league, piles of homework, papers, projects, reading, hours of practicing, weight gain, severe anxiety, people I don’t feel like I can talk to, cold weather with snow that blinds me, and little/crappy sleep.

When does it get better?

I need someone. Someone I’m not afraid to be myself with. Someone to accept me- all my faults, all my shortcomings, all my weirdness. Someone to remind me why I’m here. Just a really good friend.

No matter who right now- I’m either too awkward, they’re too awkward, they don’t accept me for who I am, or I’m afraid. I’m scared.

I’m scared for what’s to come.

For what may come.

I’m too awkward to function.

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