Selfish

You know those awkward moments when you get tipsy before everyone else, try to fit into a tight-knit group of girls, and then they start really partying once you’ve holed yourself up in your room with your pizza that’s making you fat.

….

If you don’t understand my life by now, get out.

But seriously.

Partially my fault.

But seriously.


I don’t know. I’m not really upset by it. It’s just really awkward. They’re all out there dancing and such. 30 minutes ago, I wanted to be partying. I kept going back and forth between a little bit drunk to feeling just sick to sobering up to drinking more and cycle repeat. Then I got sick of that feeling and realized that this “party” was going to continue as a small group of girls for the remainder of the night and I bailed.

The more awkward part: I was almost one of those girls, but I bailed before that happened.

It’s the female a capella group on campus. I got a call back. I was almost guaranteed a spot since I know the President, I have a good range and a decent voice, and I’m pretty damn good at sight singing. I didn’t have time though.

One of my roommates is in it and she asked us if it was okay for them to come over. I didn’t have a problem with it and I don’t right now either. I know this will die down and she’ll be considerate of the fact that I want to go to bed soon.

When I go back out there, that’ll be my cue to quiet it down and keep it cool for the remainder of the night. And I’m not in any rush or anything so not a big deal.

They’re singing. Whoop.

I just have to practice tomorrow. Yikes. I’m really far behind schedule. Seeing as I was short 2 days though… Still not good. Dr. Tse will be very disappointed in me.

I can’t focus on that though. Otherwise, bad things will happen. And I’ve been clean for at least a few weeks… ish. I can’t quite remember now how long. Maybe that’s a good thing though. That is a good thing. I know it is. I just need to focus on hating myself a little less each day.

….

I was going to say fat chance of that happening, but that’s not a very appropriate phrase here.

Or it’s too appropriate.

Okay, bad. Bad bad bad bad. I can’t. I just can’t.

I made the time shorter for my roommate to keep it quiet.

Or did I?

Naw… I told her at around 11:45 to keep it down in about an hour.

Then when I went out, I said in about 15 minutes.

That’s fair.

Very fair.

It wasn’t loud before.

Now they have the stereo turned up and they’re singing. Expected from a bunch of a capella girls. Can’t blame them at all.

But I wouldn’t mind if it was quieter at all.

Not at all.

But I’m such an introvert…. yeah.

I just can’t.

I don’t know how I did it in high school.

That’s a lie, I know how I did.

I just stayed at home and only went out when people told me about stuff. If people didn’t tell me, sometimes I’d be a little hurt, but I didn’t care that much really. I was always with the same group of people. People that I’d been around my entire life. School wasn’t that big of a deal for me. When I was dating someone, we’d hang out, just the two of us, and I liked that. No- I loved it. It was great. Watch movies. Fall asleep. Maybe have sex. It was great.

Now, I like that I go to a big college, don’t get me wrong. It’s hard living with people though.

It’s hard living in apartments.

I just want to live in a house.

Have a home.

Maybe a cat or a dog. Hopefully a man. While I’m enjoying college, the introvert inside of me is just… crying. Crying hard and heavy.

Maybe it’s just my heart. My heart is crying for some real companionship. It’s crying for something real.

My entire being is calling for something new. It just doesn’t know how to go about finding it.

Listening to 10 drunk girls singing loudly in my living room definitely isn’t it though.

I shouldn’t be as annoyed as I am, but I can’t help it. I just want to sleep. They have time though.

I will be fair. I will be just. I will be selfless.

I will not cry. I will not cut. I will not let my heart cry any louder.

I will be fair.

I need to be fair.

I can’t.

I can’t.

I just can’t be selfish anymore.

All I want to do is be rid of this.

I need my doctor.

Maybe I’ll read something. It’ll distract me. I could probably still fall asleep, granted all the noise going on. I’m tired enough and the remaining alcohol in my system is just making me tired. I’m just sad that I probably wasted some soda on tonight. Should have saved it.

Should have.

I should have.

I should have done a lot of things.

I’m just too stupid to.

I need to stop being so selfish.

Why do most of my sentences begin with “I” on this? I’ve noticed that. I try not to. Yet here I am, the word “I” so many times.

Why?

Somebody help me. Let me not be so awkward. Let me be alright with others. Let me accept things. Let me not be so uncomfortable around others, especially when they touch me (even in a friendly way.) Let me be me. Or better yet, let me be the person I crave to be. Please. Please. Please.

My only selfish plea- to let me be someone that others can be comfortable around because I’m comfortable around them. Let me lead by example. Let me help others. I just want to help other people.

I’m just too selfish to do so though.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s