I cut myself today.
I cut myself 6 times today.
So long for my streak.
I feel so incredibly worthless right now though. I can’t practice. I can’t do anything musical. I can’t. I can’t.
I’m not good enough.
I wonder why or how I got into the studio. What did I do to show that I was deserving? I’m no performance major and for good reason.
I don’t work hard.
I never did.
I’m really worthless.
I’m not even that smart.
I used to be in high school. I was a sponge for information. I took it all and soaked it in. I didn’t take a huge amount of pride in it or anything. Just when ever the teacher asked a question about what we had done in class previously, I could always answer. I always knew the answer. Only 1/20 did I not know the answer off the top of my head.
It wasn’t a big deal to me though. I just knew things and that was that. I was prepared, never had to study or had to study very little. Even last year, things were like that. Music theory- the make or break for a lot of music majors- I just knew it. I didn’t have to be taught something over and over again. The homework was just applying what I learned. I got it. It made sense. A lot of my friends struggled and I was able to help them.
What’s happened to me?
What’s wrong with me?
I’m totally lost right now.
Everything I once knew is now fiction.
I used to swim, not float by, but swim at a comfortable pace with a good feeling in my heart.
Now my heart is so heavy I’m reaching with my fingertips for the surface.
It weighs me down.
I need help.
I need some serious help.
I know I wouldn’t care if something killed me.
I haven’t cared for too long.
But now, I want to seek it out again.
The dark impulses are active and I’m susceptible.