It’s Back

I cut myself today.

6 times.

I cut myself 6 times today.

So long for my streak. 

I feel so incredibly worthless right now though. I can’t practice. I can’t do anything musical. I can’t. I can’t.

I’m not good enough.

I wonder why or how I got into the studio. What did I do to show that I was deserving? I’m no performance major and for good reason.

I don’t work hard.

I never did.

I’m really worthless.

I’m not even that smart.

I used to be in high school. I was a sponge for information. I took it all and soaked it in. I didn’t take a huge amount of pride in it or anything. Just when ever the teacher asked a question about what we had done in class previously, I could always answer. I always knew the answer. Only 1/20 did I not know the answer off the top of my head. 

It wasn’t a big deal to me though. I just knew things and that was that. I was prepared, never had to study or had to study very little. Even last year, things were like that. Music theory- the make or break for a lot of music majors- I just knew it. I didn’t have to be taught something over and over again. The homework was just applying what I learned. I got it. It made sense. A lot of my friends struggled and I was able to help them.

What’s happened to me?

What’s wrong with me?

Where’s me?

I’m totally lost right now.

Everything I once knew is now fiction. 

I used to swim, not float by, but swim at a comfortable pace with a good feeling in my heart.

Now my heart is so heavy I’m reaching with my fingertips for the surface.

It weighs me down.

I need help.

I need some serious help.

I know I wouldn’t care if something killed me.

I haven’t cared for too long.

But now, I want to seek it out again.

I’m active.

The dark impulses are active and I’m susceptible. 

It’s back.

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