One Good Week

Well, I just don’t know how I feel about today.

My lesson was… weird.

It was another talking lesson. I’m really good at keeping a conversation going. But then I had to play my etude and I wanted to play my solo more but I didn’t get to play that and ugh. It was just wrong. It was backwards and therefore wrong.

But I did get something out of it.

I don’t expect to be in a quartet with Calvin or Dennis next year. Or even Michael. From what it sounds like, I’d be with some freshmen. It’s a little bit of an insult, but I haven’t proven myself to be any better than that so… I guess that’s what I get.

I also know I shouldn’t take Dr. Tse’s advice too critically on terms of Marching Band. On the other hand… yeah.

I am.

I’m looking for excuses?

I don’t even know anymore. 

I’m still being overly cheery to people.

Dr. Tse even pointed it out that I don’t look like I have anxiety.

Most people are shocked to hear what I’m going through.

Most people don’t believe me when they hear that I was diagnosed with clinical depression. 

Granted, it is probably more mild than some cases, but I don’t deny that it’s there.

I think I’d be stupid to do that in looking at some of my previous posts here. 

But seriously. I’m pretty pissed off right now. I just feel this bubbling anger. I don’t know what to do with it. I know those around me don’t deserve my lashes of anger, so I’m being so very positive. Or at least I think I am. It feels pretty fake. 

Well… that’s because it is.

I don’t know. I do it because I know that they don’t deserve it and I don’t want the guilt of being angry at them. 

Then I have this weird appetite thing. I’m hungry because I haven’t eaten in almost 8 hours, but I don’t want to eat because the thought of eating and the action makes me feel sick to my stomach and it’s so frustrating. I’m so frustrated. I’m so frustrating. 

I do it out of obligation. I should. I don’t want people to think something about me is different.

I want so desperately to feel normal. People think I’m normal and then give me looks asking me why can’t I just be normal. I am normal. Why can’t I just act like it?

I don’t even know. I can’t answer that question at all.

I’m so tired, but my blood keeps pumping faster. I feel like I’m about to explode from being so wound up and so exhausted. I feel like I’m about to die if I stop.

I don’t know how to stop. I don’t want to keep doing this though. I’m tired.

I’m so very tired.

I want one good week. One good week. One good lesson. One good week of healthy appetites. One good week of feeling refreshed. One good week of good energy keeping me going instead of this fast-heart-can’t-stop-due-to-anxiety crap. One week without telling people lies. My life is surrounded by lies.

I want to quit. I want to stop. One good week.

One. Good. Week.



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