Reproachful Glares

It’s crazy how one minute, your day can be going great, to shitty, to great again, to shitty. 

In luck, I have an interview for a restaurant tomorrow.

Bad luck, my mood swings are horrible. I have no control over them. They’re all over the place. One minute I’m great, the next, I read something and my day is ruined. Things that shouldn’t bother me destroy me.

I am destroyed.

Am I really ready for a job?

I don’t think I have a choice right now.

I need this job more than I need help.

I have to learn to shut myself down better. I need to learn how to mask my emotions. Dead pan everything.

I really hate this. I hate that I can’t feel relaxed. I hate that I feel like everything is my fault. I hate this life. It’s no life, it’s hell.

At least I’m more conscious of my failures. Then I can look mature in the eyes of others when I fail, again. 

Over and over again.

I’m tired of this. I’m just so tired. I don’t know who to talk to though. I need to talk to someone right now. I just want to talk.

I would call my dad, but I know he has a track meet. There are a few friends I could call, but then again, I can’t. Some have too great of problems on their own that I refuse. Some I know would only agree with me because they don’t know what to say and that would only drive me closer to the edge. Others have no idea what’s going on with me so this would just come as a complete shock to them. 

The past week has been pretty awful. 

That’s why I’m currently having a mental breakdown. 

This is so long overdue.

I don’t feel like I’m a part of my religion anymore. I am close to declaring myself agnostic. There are things that I don’t doubt – that Jesus existed, that he was a great man, that many people have been transformed by faith – but I don’t really know if I believe in any God. The idea of him and of an afterlife and of someone here to watch over you is very appealing, but I don’t feel like I can necessarily say I believe in it. There are too many flaws, too many misconceptions, and too much hate around religion. 

I can’t keep living a life of lies. I can’t keep appearing places I don’t feel like I belong. I don’t know where I do belong though. Trapped in books, living a full life of imagination and little interactions. Puzzles that sit unfinished because I don’t have the diligence to stick with something for so long. I get hungry, but I have no desire of feeling sick every single time I eat. 

I can’t keep living a life like this.

One of my roommates asked me how someone who doesn’t believe in God goes on, how they keep living without that hope.

I gave her an answer one of my friends told me – this is the only life we have so we better live it as damn well as we can.

My answer to her now – I don’t know, but I don’t think some of us last that long.

I don’t think I’ll last that long.

Everything cuts off at a distinct point. I can’t see next fall at all in my mind. It just goes dark during August and fades to nothingness. I don’t even care though. It worries part of me, but it doesn’t at the same time. I just don’t see anything. This summer I expect to be sort of like last summer. I hope it is. As close as possible.

I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know where I will be, where I will want to be, what I will want to be doing, I don’t know anything. 

All I’m saying is I wouldn’t be surprised if I tried to end my life sometime soon. Whether or not I’d be successful is a different question, but it doesn’t surprise me anymore. 

I would have potential to be successful. My roommates don’t give a damn. I was so upset a few weekends ago, I went home early Saturday morning and didn’t tell anyone. No one bothered to go into my room to check on me I guess. They texted me to see if I was okay, Facebook messaged me.

That doesn’t matter much to a dead girl.

It would be a few days I expect before they would check on me, only for them to find something completely wrong. 

It would be painful though. 

I mean, if I was planning it, I would probably get my hands on something lethal with as little pain possible. This is me though, and while I can feel a mental breakdown coming days ahead, it can be something so ridiculously small that will trigger it. Today, it was a note to clean up the stove (albeit, it was a rude message, rubbing it in my face that once again, I slipped up and disgusted those around me, but they had every right.) Tomorrow, it could be someone telling me about how fantastic their day is or that something I cooked wasn’t as good as last time.

I have so many pills, so many damned pills. 

So many friends, but I honestly don’t feel like I can really trust a single one of them with this.

I can’t trust anyone with this.

Shit hits the fan and I’m left with reproachful glares.

I can’t handle the glares.

But that’s how I feel everywhere I go.

All I can see are the reproachful glares.

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