Getting By

You know those moments when something hits you harder than a brick wall coming out of no where?

Yeah. My life right now.

My roommate Avery was just saying the other day about how much has changed over the past year. My other roommate Jayna agreed. At the time, I only shrugged. In my head, nothing had really changed. I mean, I still had the same basic group of friends, I was still a music major in some form, and my life seemed pretty much the same.

Oh dear fucking God how wrong I was.

My life, my mind, my body has changed in so many ways over the past year. I’ve got the scars to prove that one. 

But everything seems different though when I really look at it. Same basic group of friends? Yeah, right. The only one that has really stayed the same is the one with Avery and even that’s changed a lot. Some friends went to different schools, some showed some unfortunate true colors, others just faded. Some friendships grew stronger, but I can really only think of three off the top of my head now. 

Even those that grew stronger are confusing. Well, they’re probably only confusing because I’m making them confusing.

But hey, that’s the story of my life. Making things out to be worse than they really are. That’s why I see a doctor…

Except my bank account. That’s worse than I think it is.

I should get on that. 

At least I have another job interview tomorrow… today. Yikes.

And oh my God it is really hard right now to not pick my blade up.

It is really fucking tempting. 

Cutting releases endorphins which I could use right now.

Oh, if I knew I’d be a cutter a year ago. If I knew what I did now. 

But everyone always thinks that.

But not everyone deals with mental disorders.

I lost control last fall. I’m afraid of that happening again. I’m afraid of a horrible relapse. Especially because I’m not being medicated and probably won’t be by that time. Fall will be the beginning of Marching Band, my career path, classes, and quite possibly two jobs on top of that. 

I will probably lose control again next Fall. Probably worse than before too thinking realistically. Hello hospital. Long time no see.

It will forever haunt me.

Everything is similar but different. I’m still head over heels for the same guy. The people who were important to me then are still important to me now. My bank account is drained. I’m getting by.

I’m like a light switch that hardly ever gets used. Normally, it’s off. Saves money, the sun provides natural light so it doesn’t need to be on. But something triggers it. Something flips that damned switch. It’s fake. Artificial. It creates harsher shadows, defines them more clearly. The light is blinding. I can’t see anything. I hide in those shadows and let my fears comfort me. They’re the things I know are real. I don’t have to second guess them.

I cut. I have put myself on the brink of suicide more times than I’m willing to say. I’m on the verge of an eating disorder. I look at my life and myself and wonder what delusion I was under to think that I can be happy. 

I’m stuck in reverse. The same thing happens around the same time of year every year. How many more years will it take before I break? I’ve got plenty of cracks and I’m sure they’ll keep coming.

Now, I’m not sure if I’m ready to be broken, but I’m also not sure if I’m willing to let anyone fix me.

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Feels or Sleep: A Battle I’m Sorely Losing

I have been trying to sleep for over an hour now.

I don’t like this whole insomnia thing. 

I have had problems with it in the past. Worries and anxiety would keep me up for hours. Right now, it’s something very different.

It’s frustrating because my eyes were drooping, I was yawning, and I felt so comfortable in my bed. 10 seconds later, I’m wide awake.

You’re keeping me up again.

You lovely curse.

Go away feels. I want to sleep please. 

Feeling Better

I’m finally feeling better now.

After a week of feeling pretty awful, I’m feeling pretty good now. I still have a cough, some sinus congestion, and my ears are still infected, but it’s much better than before. 

The last time I remember being that sick… yikes. There were two other times.

Once, Spring Break of my 7th grade year. I must have been… 12? Both my sister and I had a horrible case of stomach flu. Couldn’t keep anything, and I mean anything, down. I don’t remember feeling too awful though. I mean, the vomiting wasn’t pleasant, but at least you always feel better after you do it.

The other time was when I was in 2nd grade. Now that was awful. I was probably 7-years-old. My mom had to take me to the ER due to my fever being so high. It was Scarlet Fever. I broke out in hives due to taking some Tylenol. I was out of school for at least a week. That was probably the sickest I have ever been.

But this… started out fairly normal. A regular sickness which usually keeps me out of things for a day or two then I’m right back at it. It’s been over a week and I’m still a bit sick. Granted, not as bad, but I was very bad for a solid week. 

Right now I’m dealing with a headache, popping ears, and insomnia. I could do without it, that’s for sure. But I’d take this over what I just got over any day. 

So I’ve been playing Pokemon, Neopets, and have been attached to Tumblr and Facebook like it’s my job.

I wish it was. I’d be a lot richer than I am now… but just about anything is.

At least I do have a nice apartment, bed, clothes, a job, an education (work in progress), and loving friends and family. 

Even so, I’m hit with the fact that I have to get a second job. Otherwise I’m going to have to draw into my account for rent again and that’s not okay.

There’s so much I need to do…

My head hurts more now. Obviously…. asdfjkl;

But the Melatonin I took is starting to kick in. Quicker than the Ibuprofen. 

There’s a small update. I’m not dead yet.

(Monty Python reference. I must watch the Holy Grail again soon.)

Good Thing

I cannot stop thinking that today is Monday or Tuesday.

It’s only Saturday. Well, Sunday morning technically. 

asdfjkl;

This is what sickness does to me.

I really only feel better when I take a shit ton of drugs. But my nose is still all stuffy. It’s really uncomfortable. 

I went to the doctor today to make sure. 3 days of fever is very unusual for me, so I thought it best to check it out. My lovely father took me to the quick care and… nothing. Just a really bad virus. 

At least I got a doctor’s note for missing work out of it. 

That’s really the only reason I went. I haven’t been working at this place for very long so I wanted to make sure I got it. Didn’t want them thinking I was flaking out on what is presumably the busiest weekend we have. 

Trust me, I would have much rather been working then bed ridden all this time.

On other fronts…

I’m just getting bored.

I check my tumblr more than I should. Most of the time I’ll get on it 5 times a week. Tops. It has replaced Facebook on sites I check most frequently. I have a problem. I have a serious problem. 

I’ve resorted to neopets from time to time to keep me entertained. It does just that. 

I’m getting people deprived… that’s saying a lot for me.

A lot.

While I am social, I am an introvert. 

I think it’s just that I hate walking back into my room from the bathroom or kitchen. It’s stale, humid, dank, and rotting of sickness right now. I think the thing that makes me most upset is that I just washed my sheets only for me to get sick…

With him…

I can’t make the first move anymore. I don’t want to. I’m tired of it. I don’t want to be the one to always strike up conversation. I’m sick. I’m tired. I don’t know how I did it so many years ago. I feel like it’s getting harder as I get older… which I didn’t think would be the case in this area. 

Of course, life gets more complicated as you age, but I felt that with more experience… WRONG.

Things came so… easily in my first relationship. I don’t think I ever felt like one of us was ever calling the other more. There’s one thing… before the age of texting… for us anyway. We could talk about it too. “I’ll call you later” “You’ll call me later?” It was mutual. It was fairly equal.

Ben will forever be the one that got away. I’m pretty sure he knows that too. That’s why when he came to Iowa City over winter break, he didn’t bother texting me or anything.

He’s also been very bitter about our break up since… our break up. Which, might I add, was nearly 4 years ago.

It was also almost 4 years ago the last time I saw him. Well, life goes on I guess.

My sister says that his older brother is a big reason why Ben probably doesn’t even think of me as a friend. In reality, she’s partially right. Steven never liked me. I think the way things ended and how I handled it was a contributing factor too. Probably the main reason.

Sean made me sick of making the first move. That’s bad, considering everything that is to come. But with Sean… I literally had to do everything. It was fun, yes. I cared about him, yes. It suffocated me, hell yes.

It’s a good thing I took medicine a little while ago, because I can feel my fever coming back. UGH.

It also just sucks. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get over this guy for as long as he’s in my life physically. Maybe it’s good he’s going home for the summer. I’ll be seeing him at least one more time before he does probably. 

It’s a good thing.

Desperate

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.

I am so lame.

Lame in 2 senses. 

Lame in 1: it hurts to move. It hurts to breathe. I have a fever. It’s kinda going down now. Not really. I’m very sick right now. Not only that, but I’m having my first period in almost 2 years. Talk to me about hell- I know pretty damn well what it feels like.

Lame in 2: I CAN’T FUNCTION AROUND FUCKING A WHY DO I HAVE FEELS I GIVE UP BOYS SUCK I’M DONE WITH THEM.

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.

I can’t keep myself together, let alone a damned relationship.

I make desperate attempts at guys who are very not interested because college is a wide array of girls and there are pretty girls that will get in their pants way faster than me so why do I even try.

Oh, I know why.

Fuck my damned life.

And I feel like I’m dying. 

I may have just screwed my sister over for a class project.

I’m sick off my ass.

I cannot remember feeling this sick in a very long time. Sure, I’ve had fevers before. Plenty of them. Not many of them have lasted more than a day though. That’s why I’m worried. I took medication over 2 hours ago, have had a cold cloth on my head for 45 minutes, and I still don’t feel like this fever has gone down. My nose is stuffy, my throat kills…. this is such a bad rant.

I’m sorry.

This is worthless.

No one reads this shit except for me later on and I only regret it thinking how stupid I would sound if people actually read this worthless shit.

On the bright side, some things are getting better.

There’s a reason why I’m having my first period in about 2 years. My birth control, depo provera. 

I never got my next shot about… probably 3 months ago that was due.

So… I’m 6 months over due for that… but I have noticed some good things.

While, the whole period thing is not fun and I definitely did not miss that one bit, I don’t feel the looming depression.

I wonder if that was really a contributing factor.

Feels like it.

Who knows though.

I was on so many drugs at one point for depression and anxiety and all this other stuff then I kinda stopped taking it all at once. So yeah. It could be a number of things.

God, I am rambling so much.

There are run on sentences everywhere… 

My head feels ready to explode.

I still have a lot of self esteem issues.

A lot of self esteem issues.

Not sure if I still hate myself though.

Jury’s still out.

Definitely times that I do.

Sometimes… I don’t feel it as much.

This could also be that I feel like shit right now though and I’ll do/say anything to make it stop.

That’s why I don’t think I’m depressed though.

I’m desperate. Not depressed.

Unprepared

I’ve gone and done it again.

I’ve gone and fallen for a guy.

Not the same guy in my previous post, though.

No, that would be simple.

That would be easy.

That would be nice.

But my life is not simple nor easy nor nice.

It’s full of… mer.

I have also been procrastinating on studying.

I could a should be done by now.

I just really don’t care right now though.

This love will never happen.

This love should never happen.

Oh God, I hope it happens.

I’m becoming a fool. I’m becoming an idiot. 

… I’ve always been one.

I can’t believe it though. That’s a lie. I totally can. I’ve liked this guy for…. over a year now.

Granted, it was on and off. I have always been helplessly attracted to him though.

Gah, it’s disgusting.

It honestly just makes me angry. It makes me angry at myself. Feelings only complicate things. Especially when I have such a good friendship with this guy. I just want to sit outside and have a beer right now, that’s how angry I am.

I almost never willingly drink beer. 

I only do when I really give zero fucks about the world around me.

It’s just… making my life harder right now.

I’m searching for reasons to talk to him. I can’t play it cool. I can’t just be myself. 

Things between us have been… different too. 

Different is both good and bad.

He’s on and off with me. Sometimes he flirtatious and talkative. Other times he’s moody and thicker than cement foundation. And I made a fool of myself a few nights ago… like I always do when I’m drunk.

Sometimes I’m okay with being foolish – the silly kind of foolish. 

It’s when I let the drugs keep me and my mind lets go of reason and I mentally collapse. 

That’s when I hate myself a little more.

Most of the time I was silly. Parts I was gone. I don’t like that. Least in front of him.

UGH.

WHY.

FEELS.

WHY.

I JUST CAN’T RIGHT NOW.

I AM NOT IN A GOOD PLACE FOR YOU AND THIS IS UNWARRANTED AND UNNECESSARY THANK YOU. 

NO – NOT THANK YOU. FUCK YOU. WITH SOMETHING HARD AND COVERED IN SPIKES.

GOD.

I’m so unprepared right now.

I Am

OH. MY. GOD.

I AM DRUNK RIGHT NOW.

DRUNK POST NUMBER… 4 OR 5 OR MAYBE MORE. DAMN IT.

I’M SORRY.

ISH.

MAYBE.

DAMN.

IT.

So. Here’s my life right now.

Drunk (obviously.)

Tired. Happy. Hopeful (rare.) Tired. Happy. Smiling.

I’m happy.

I’m pretty damned happy.

I kinda kissed someone I like on the cheek tonight.

I hope he gets the message.

I also talked to another boy tonight.

Boy as in the most unfortunate part of my love life story.

I have a history of caring for him.

I’ll be asdfjk; happy if this other guy carries through.

My butterfly whose wings’ I would burn…

I hope he does fly away.

He’s too risky of a love.

And this other guy seems like he could handle me.

And he seems more like me.

He was my date to my formal.

I would like to go out on a date with him.

This could be good.

I’m getting more drunk here.

And more tired.

Yikes.

This is approximately an hour later.

I’m still a bit drunk.

And excited.

I have opened up more to someone tonight.

This is good.

I need to be more open.

I need to be more accepting.

Loving.

Caring.

I do.

I am.

I will.

I am.

Double Golden Birthday

The past day was my birthday.

I just needed to desperately shared something with someone… or thing. 

I can’t even.

10 years ago was my golden birthday. My mom liked to make a big deal out of it. I was for us, by her. 

My heart screamed today when I went to visit her grave.

I wonder what she would tell me now. What she would have told me over the past 10 years. 10 years. That’s a fuck lot of time.

For my golden birthday, I got to have a friend over.

I chose my friend Sara. 

Sara is also not alive.

Sara hung herself.

Sara had troubles. Her best friend from high school was killed in a horrible car accident about a year and a half ago. Sara was depressed and taking ADD/ADHD medication. This worsened her depression and she killed herself.

I have troubles. 

I wonder what they would tell me. Two people that made my Golden Birthday so special.

Islands

This is the unfortunate story of my love life.

My first kiss was Ben. He was about my height, strong, athletic, handsome, extremely smart, and we got along super well. He will always be what I compare other boys to no doubt. He was wonderful. He was my first love. He was the first guy who saw me topless. He was my longest relationship of over a year and a half. Although he sucked at kissing, we could talk for hours and that matters so much more to me.

In between various breaks with Ben and after Ben, there was Jordan.

Jordan was tall, strong, athletic, older, good looking, and a friend. We used each other. It was purely primal. It didn’t last.

I waited. 

I was good.

I was patient.

I took a round with Sean.

Sean was smart, funny, tall, quirky, and awkward. I loved that. Sean treated me like I was the best present he ever got that he’d never asked for.

I showed up. I wanted him. He let me take all of him.

He shouldn’t have let me take all of him.

I took everything from him. I was the first girl to ask him on a date. I held his hand. I kissed his cheek. I was his first kiss. I was his first girlfriend. I was the first girl he asked to a school dance. I was his first encounter. I took his virginity and he took mine.

I broke up with him because he was afraid.

We got back together because I was lonely.

I regret breaking his heart both times.

But you… you’ve lingered.

You were here in my mind when I started my second semester of college. You loved someone else. I could only hope that she loved all of you like I thought I did.

I was happy that you found someone you thought you could spend the rest of your life with. I really was. I could see your smiling face and how that light carried up into your eyes and made them crinkle. It makes me want to cry now that I see that less now.

Of course I was upset that it wasn’t me. But at the same time, it didn’t matter. As long as you were happy, I could be happy and could move on.

I never really did. I tried. Believe me, I tried. 

You were always there. I was helplessly attracted to you. Your positive aura, your smile, your passion, your dedication – it makes me want to cry now.

I wish I could go on. I still feel like you’ve never opened yourself up to me. Not so much that I could see your dreams. It hurts. I am hurt. I am hurting.

I am hurting from so many scars, so many lashes, so much self-inflicted pain.

I am a masochist. 

But I could never hurt you.

Not if you never loved me.

The way I love is hard and fast.

I become so enthralled with ideas. I need quick wit. I need constant stimulation. Something firm in the ground that will easily blow in the breeze but will remind me of its’ roots. To remind me that I am yours and you are mine. 

We would never work out.

You’re too kind, too wonderful, too beautiful for me to destroy you. 

I would hate myself beyond comprehension if I were to break you.

That’s the only way I can love. 

I love with too much fire, too much dedication to be easily handled. I am fierce. I am harsh. I am destructive. 

I took a tree and chopped it down.

I took a flower and smothered it.

I will take your wings and burn them.

Fly from me now. 

Don’t love me.

Don’t let me love you.

The way I love is hard and fast.

I could never hold you. 

I could give you everything you thought you wanted. I would give it easily.

The way I love is hard and fast.

I am easily bored. 

I am not small enough. I compare too much. I am not in my mind. 

I wish you the best in your life endeavors. 

Please, find someone else soon.

Don’t go back to her for I know you can’t find the true happiness you seek from her.

But don’t go to me either.

I can’t. 

I will burn your wings right as you are about to take flight.

I could never hold you.

Why I Am An Idiot

The reasons as to how and why I am an idiot:

I daydream too much.

I create these fantasy scenarios. Not completely unrealistic, but I know as soon as I think them up, shit’s going to hit the fan.

It’s my life. It always happens.

The best things come to me spontaneously. They come when I don’t plan for them to.

It reaffirms my belief to stop hoping. Stop wishing for things.

That’s horrible.

I had a perfect date tonight to my formal.

He’s cute, he’s funny, he’s nice and I wanted to get to know him.

But I was at that stupid stage of not really drunk/drunk enough to be too awkward to function.

I couldn’t keep a conversation. Another girl swooped in.

Well, at least he’s happy.

What’s worse is I was comforted walking home that I just had to wait a few minutes to get to my blade.

I didn’t cut. I haven’t cut in quite sometime.

This is why I’m unsuitable. 

This is why I should stop wishing for love.

The fact that one… I don’t even know what to call this date thing created tears is ridiculous. 

My life is horrible.

I live each day wondering if I feel like I’ll survive the next.

It’s like trees trying to pollinate on concrete. 

That is the most accurate representation of my life at the moment.

And why I feel like an idiot.