You know those moments when something hits you harder than a brick wall coming out of no where?
Yeah. My life right now.
My roommate Avery was just saying the other day about how much has changed over the past year. My other roommate Jayna agreed. At the time, I only shrugged. In my head, nothing had really changed. I mean, I still had the same basic group of friends, I was still a music major in some form, and my life seemed pretty much the same.
Oh dear fucking God how wrong I was.
My life, my mind, my body has changed in so many ways over the past year. I’ve got the scars to prove that one.
But everything seems different though when I really look at it. Same basic group of friends? Yeah, right. The only one that has really stayed the same is the one with Avery and even that’s changed a lot. Some friends went to different schools, some showed some unfortunate true colors, others just faded. Some friendships grew stronger, but I can really only think of three off the top of my head now.
Even those that grew stronger are confusing. Well, they’re probably only confusing because I’m making them confusing.
But hey, that’s the story of my life. Making things out to be worse than they really are. That’s why I see a doctor…
Except my bank account. That’s worse than I think it is.
I should get on that.
At least I have another job interview tomorrow… today. Yikes.
And oh my God it is really hard right now to not pick my blade up.
It is really fucking tempting.
Cutting releases endorphins which I could use right now.
Oh, if I knew I’d be a cutter a year ago. If I knew what I did now.
But everyone always thinks that.
But not everyone deals with mental disorders.
I lost control last fall. I’m afraid of that happening again. I’m afraid of a horrible relapse. Especially because I’m not being medicated and probably won’t be by that time. Fall will be the beginning of Marching Band, my career path, classes, and quite possibly two jobs on top of that.
I will probably lose control again next Fall. Probably worse than before too thinking realistically. Hello hospital. Long time no see.
It will forever haunt me.
Everything is similar but different. I’m still head over heels for the same guy. The people who were important to me then are still important to me now. My bank account is drained. I’m getting by.
I’m like a light switch that hardly ever gets used. Normally, it’s off. Saves money, the sun provides natural light so it doesn’t need to be on. But something triggers it. Something flips that damned switch. It’s fake. Artificial. It creates harsher shadows, defines them more clearly. The light is blinding. I can’t see anything. I hide in those shadows and let my fears comfort me. They’re the things I know are real. I don’t have to second guess them.
I cut. I have put myself on the brink of suicide more times than I’m willing to say. I’m on the verge of an eating disorder. I look at my life and myself and wonder what delusion I was under to think that I can be happy.
I’m stuck in reverse. The same thing happens around the same time of year every year. How many more years will it take before I break? I’ve got plenty of cracks and I’m sure they’ll keep coming.
Now, I’m not sure if I’m ready to be broken, but I’m also not sure if I’m willing to let anyone fix me.