Islands

This is the unfortunate story of my love life.

My first kiss was Ben. He was about my height, strong, athletic, handsome, extremely smart, and we got along super well. He will always be what I compare other boys to no doubt. He was wonderful. He was my first love. He was the first guy who saw me topless. He was my longest relationship of over a year and a half. Although he sucked at kissing, we could talk for hours and that matters so much more to me.

In between various breaks with Ben and after Ben, there was Jordan.

Jordan was tall, strong, athletic, older, good looking, and a friend. We used each other. It was purely primal. It didn’t last.

I waited. 

I was good.

I was patient.

I took a round with Sean.

Sean was smart, funny, tall, quirky, and awkward. I loved that. Sean treated me like I was the best present he ever got that he’d never asked for.

I showed up. I wanted him. He let me take all of him.

He shouldn’t have let me take all of him.

I took everything from him. I was the first girl to ask him on a date. I held his hand. I kissed his cheek. I was his first kiss. I was his first girlfriend. I was the first girl he asked to a school dance. I was his first encounter. I took his virginity and he took mine.

I broke up with him because he was afraid.

We got back together because I was lonely.

I regret breaking his heart both times.

But you… you’ve lingered.

You were here in my mind when I started my second semester of college. You loved someone else. I could only hope that she loved all of you like I thought I did.

I was happy that you found someone you thought you could spend the rest of your life with. I really was. I could see your smiling face and how that light carried up into your eyes and made them crinkle. It makes me want to cry now that I see that less now.

Of course I was upset that it wasn’t me. But at the same time, it didn’t matter. As long as you were happy, I could be happy and could move on.

I never really did. I tried. Believe me, I tried. 

You were always there. I was helplessly attracted to you. Your positive aura, your smile, your passion, your dedication – it makes me want to cry now.

I wish I could go on. I still feel like you’ve never opened yourself up to me. Not so much that I could see your dreams. It hurts. I am hurt. I am hurting.

I am hurting from so many scars, so many lashes, so much self-inflicted pain.

I am a masochist. 

But I could never hurt you.

Not if you never loved me.

The way I love is hard and fast.

I become so enthralled with ideas. I need quick wit. I need constant stimulation. Something firm in the ground that will easily blow in the breeze but will remind me of its’ roots. To remind me that I am yours and you are mine. 

We would never work out.

You’re too kind, too wonderful, too beautiful for me to destroy you. 

I would hate myself beyond comprehension if I were to break you.

That’s the only way I can love. 

I love with too much fire, too much dedication to be easily handled. I am fierce. I am harsh. I am destructive. 

I took a tree and chopped it down.

I took a flower and smothered it.

I will take your wings and burn them.

Fly from me now. 

Don’t love me.

Don’t let me love you.

The way I love is hard and fast.

I could never hold you. 

I could give you everything you thought you wanted. I would give it easily.

The way I love is hard and fast.

I am easily bored. 

I am not small enough. I compare too much. I am not in my mind. 

I wish you the best in your life endeavors. 

Please, find someone else soon.

Don’t go back to her for I know you can’t find the true happiness you seek from her.

But don’t go to me either.

I can’t. 

I will burn your wings right as you are about to take flight.

I could never hold you.

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One thought on “Islands

  1. Pingback: Islands (repost) | fortheconfusion

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