Unprepared

I’ve gone and done it again.

I’ve gone and fallen for a guy.

Not the same guy in my previous post, though.

No, that would be simple.

That would be easy.

That would be nice.

But my life is not simple nor easy nor nice.

It’s full of… mer.

I have also been procrastinating on studying.

I could a should be done by now.

I just really don’t care right now though.

This love will never happen.

This love should never happen.

Oh God, I hope it happens.

I’m becoming a fool. I’m becoming an idiot. 

… I’ve always been one.

I can’t believe it though. That’s a lie. I totally can. I’ve liked this guy for…. over a year now.

Granted, it was on and off. I have always been helplessly attracted to him though.

Gah, it’s disgusting.

It honestly just makes me angry. It makes me angry at myself. Feelings only complicate things. Especially when I have such a good friendship with this guy. I just want to sit outside and have a beer right now, that’s how angry I am.

I almost never willingly drink beer. 

I only do when I really give zero fucks about the world around me.

It’s just… making my life harder right now.

I’m searching for reasons to talk to him. I can’t play it cool. I can’t just be myself. 

Things between us have been… different too. 

Different is both good and bad.

He’s on and off with me. Sometimes he flirtatious and talkative. Other times he’s moody and thicker than cement foundation. And I made a fool of myself a few nights ago… like I always do when I’m drunk.

Sometimes I’m okay with being foolish – the silly kind of foolish. 

It’s when I let the drugs keep me and my mind lets go of reason and I mentally collapse. 

That’s when I hate myself a little more.

Most of the time I was silly. Parts I was gone. I don’t like that. Least in front of him.

UGH.

WHY.

FEELS.

WHY.

I JUST CAN’T RIGHT NOW.

I AM NOT IN A GOOD PLACE FOR YOU AND THIS IS UNWARRANTED AND UNNECESSARY THANK YOU. 

NO – NOT THANK YOU. FUCK YOU. WITH SOMETHING HARD AND COVERED IN SPIKES.

GOD.

I’m so unprepared right now.

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