Desperate

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.

I am so lame.

Lame in 2 senses. 

Lame in 1: it hurts to move. It hurts to breathe. I have a fever. It’s kinda going down now. Not really. I’m very sick right now. Not only that, but I’m having my first period in almost 2 years. Talk to me about hell- I know pretty damn well what it feels like.

Lame in 2: I CAN’T FUNCTION AROUND FUCKING A WHY DO I HAVE FEELS I GIVE UP BOYS SUCK I’M DONE WITH THEM.

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.

I can’t keep myself together, let alone a damned relationship.

I make desperate attempts at guys who are very not interested because college is a wide array of girls and there are pretty girls that will get in their pants way faster than me so why do I even try.

Oh, I know why.

Fuck my damned life.

And I feel like I’m dying. 

I may have just screwed my sister over for a class project.

I’m sick off my ass.

I cannot remember feeling this sick in a very long time. Sure, I’ve had fevers before. Plenty of them. Not many of them have lasted more than a day though. That’s why I’m worried. I took medication over 2 hours ago, have had a cold cloth on my head for 45 minutes, and I still don’t feel like this fever has gone down. My nose is stuffy, my throat kills…. this is such a bad rant.

I’m sorry.

This is worthless.

No one reads this shit except for me later on and I only regret it thinking how stupid I would sound if people actually read this worthless shit.

On the bright side, some things are getting better.

There’s a reason why I’m having my first period in about 2 years. My birth control, depo provera. 

I never got my next shot about… probably 3 months ago that was due.

So… I’m 6 months over due for that… but I have noticed some good things.

While, the whole period thing is not fun and I definitely did not miss that one bit, I don’t feel the looming depression.

I wonder if that was really a contributing factor.

Feels like it.

Who knows though.

I was on so many drugs at one point for depression and anxiety and all this other stuff then I kinda stopped taking it all at once. So yeah. It could be a number of things.

God, I am rambling so much.

There are run on sentences everywhere… 

My head feels ready to explode.

I still have a lot of self esteem issues.

A lot of self esteem issues.

Not sure if I still hate myself though.

Jury’s still out.

Definitely times that I do.

Sometimes… I don’t feel it as much.

This could also be that I feel like shit right now though and I’ll do/say anything to make it stop.

That’s why I don’t think I’m depressed though.

I’m desperate. Not depressed.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s