Because I Can’t

Can I just not?

I’m drunk beyond being comfortable right now.

I already threw up.

And I’m still in this spot.

Well, I only ate…. a protein bar and some potatoes today.

I get what I deserve for drinking as much as I did.

Even though I’ve been drinking water non-stop.

jk.

Not drinking water now.

Nor have I been for probably 20 minutes.

Okay, I just took a sip.

Or more than a sip.

GOOD THINGS.

But even so. I’m just so tired and want to sleep.

Multiple problems with that though.

I’m still pretty drunk right now.

I have to work tomorrow.

Even though my alarm clock by my bedside is set to go for tomorrow, I have no idea where my phone is.

My phone is my primary alarm clock.

I would feel much more comfortable with my phone by my side ready to wake me up tomorrow.

I hardly ever use my actual alarm clock so hopefully one ring will be enough to get me up tomorrow.

I can’t emphasize enough how screwed I am for work tomorrow.

I’m not going to show up on time.

Work’s going to be awful.

I’m going to be hungover the entire time.

This is my own damned fault.

I’m just so angry with myself. I’m so angry that’d I’d be stupid enough to keep drinking.

I had… approximately 7-8 drinks tonight. Overestimating to be safe.

I threw up. That’s probably about 3 drinks.

But I lost at least 3 drinks of water there.

So… I’ve had 4-5.

That’s my normal drunk.

My head hurts. I’m quite cognitive with most things, but like I said. My head really hurts now.

At least my friend probably made a profit off tonight.

I started off the night at my friend’s 21st birthday party. As the party grew, so did my uncomfortability (FUCK YOU IT IS A WORD.) So I left. When I got home, Lo and behold, there’s a small shindig here. Oops. I had a shot with my roommate. Mistake. Should not have done that at all. Since then, it’s been water, food, throwing up, food, more water, food, water, head hurts trying to write a blog post, ugh, want to sleep. ugh.

Story of my life.

Why I decided to get really drunk tonight, I will not know.

Why I decided to stop getting drunk for a long time, I will know.

I’m disgusted by my weight. It’s not something I can really hide from anymore.

I’ve been skipping meals, eating less, and seeing results. It’s bad. I know I’m probably at the point of having an eating disorder.

I no longer wish to drink a lot and such.

Not just because of tonight.

More so because drinking alcohol means consuming calories, then trying to sober up which means consuming even more calories, feeling fun for a while, but over all feeling awful.

At least if I do drink, no more than 3 drinks.

That’s my limit.

A healthy one.

I just can’t do it anymore.

I can’t let my stomach get any bigger.

I can’t let it.

I won’t.

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