“Silly”

I told you not to love me for the way I love is fast and hard.

He told me not to smoke.

She tells me not to be hard on myself.

I don’t think anyone understands how much hate I have for myself.

This Great Hate is all-consuming. It feasts upon anything I could have had.

I think beyond the scope of the standard mind.

You call me “silly”.

He told me to never stop being silly.

She tells me to not let that word become a trigger for me.

I don’t think anyone understands how much hate I have for myself.

This Great Hate picks me apart. It gives no warning. I stops at nothing to have me.

I have attempted to explain this all to you. I think you may understand a little bit now. But I have a difficult time telling you that some days, all I want to do is swallow pills or put a bullet through my head.

I wish you were enough. I wish I was enough. I know I will never be enough. But that’s what it’s supposed to be, right?

I was horrible today. I was crude and crass. I was everything that bothers you. I could see it on your face.

How could you even begin to think you could ever love me?

I’m sure you’re lying awake right now asking that question.

The urge is so incredibly strong to cut right now.

To “beat this”… get better, to “stabilize”, I have to stop.

But that means I have to want to get better.

At times like this, I feel like I don’t want to.

It’s this beast that just eats away at me constantly. I wish I could show you. Then I feel like I could be satisfied with your answer.

I feel like until you really see me for everything I am, I won’t believe that you want to be with me.

I’m so scared that once you really see me for everything I am, you’ll leave.

I can’t blame you though.

I had to convince you to be with me.

You see how much that distorts my thinking? You’re crazy. I’m crazy for convincing you. You’re crazy for going along with it.

I should have kept my mouth shut and saved us both a lot of pain.

(From Yesterday)

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