To Feel Better

As I get older, some things change.

I like black coffee. I smoke. I go part-time in school. I change majors 5 million times. I’m brash but rational. I think a lot.

I’m such a thinker.

As I get older, some things stay the same.

I write about everything. I get angry really quick, but deflate quickly as well. I love all kinds of music. Chocolate is my drug.

Words are beautiful paintings of thoughts. That’s why I love talking and writing so much. I have so many thoughts and I just want to display them in the most blunt way possible.

That’s why I listen to the music I do. People think because I’m a music major that the actual music would be the most important part to me. Surprisingly, I listen to music for the lyrics. The way that people can string thoughts together with a beautiful melody… it speaks levels. It’s the ultimate art – combining creativity and rational thoughts.

I love to create. It makes me feel more connected to things in life. Baking, making stupid bracelets, music, anything. I love to create.

I’m usually such a destructive person. It’s something a lot of people don’t see. I think that’s why I have such a difficult time having people take me and my great hate seriously. No one sees it.

I shouldn’t say that. An extremely select few do.

It’s a shock factor. Many can’t understand it. I hate it.

It makes me think so many other things are wrong with me. It makes me question what and who I really am. Is it really just a phase? Is this something everyone works through? Am I really just a positive person going through a difficult time that will pass? Is there really anything wrong with me?

But then people tell me that it isn’t common for people to want to cut when they’re extremely upset. It isn’t common for people to have no motivation to get out of bed due to feeling so overwhelmed and sad. It isn’t common for people to want to stop living. It isn’t common when things are going well.

My life is in a vicious cycle right now. I’m self-destructive and my greatest fear is letting people in and bringing them down with me.

I need to make a list. A list that I can confide in the people I most trust. Maybe then I’ll start to feel better about all this.

Start feeling better about my life.

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