Forgetting

Lately, I’ve been forgetting what it feels like to be sad.

I haven’t been spending a whole lot of time just by myself, which is new.

Having a boyfriend here really helps. Especially one that I’m so enthralled with. Never in a million years could I have told you that someday I’d be with Calvin. Never in a million years could I tell you how amazing it is.

Never in a million years could I describe how wonderful and terrifying it is to be with him.

I know I’m putting myself in a terrible position. I can’t find it within myself to love myself a majority of the time. I can’t help but wonder what he sees in me. 

I also have this awful knowing that this is a very temporary relationship. I will enjoy it for as long as it lasts no doubt. But I can’t help but be distracted by the fact that he’s probably going away for graduate school next fall and that will more than likely be the end to our relationship.

Distracted is a good way to describe my life right now. I can’t believe I’m only now able to put a word to it. Jesus.

I’m unable to take care of myself and my life due to the distractions. Most of them are self-inflicted distractions too. 

These distractions keep me from feeling the underlying emotions. The pain. The sadness. The fear.

I feel like I need to come to terms with these emotions. I just don’t know how. 

My mom’s anniversary is coming up. It’s less than 2 weeks away.

Oh god.

It’s less than 2 weeks away.

I’m gonna try to not have a panic attack over that.

K. Awesome.

That sucks.

I just get so overwhelmed and I don’t know how to cope. 

“Good coping skills are all you need, Victoria.” “You’re smart, I know you can do this.” “The hardest step is going to help, now you just have to help yourself.”

I think people really forget to question when people are really going for themselves or if they’re going for others.

I’m certainly not getting help because I feel like I need it.

I know I need it because others tell me I need it. I’m not doing any of this for myself. This whole living and breathing thing. It’s not my choice I feel. I do it for those around me. The times I feel like I’m happy are too surreal. I question if it’s really my life. It sounds stupid, but it’s my life and I don’t know how to handle it.

So I brush the feelings aside until I forget them. I’m forgetting everything.

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