I’ve had a pretty terrible day to be honest.
I was so tired this morning. I was just dreading everything. I felt so hopeless.
Once again, I skipped class just to wallow in my sorrow.
I curled up in a ball and cried. And cried. And cried some more.
I felt like a worthless human being.
I finally went to my first class and all the classes after that. Those weren’t too bad. I just still felt awful. I am awful.
Got some food. Couldn’t find my wallet. Couldn’t do the one damned important thing I had to do today. Fuck me.
So instead, I curled my hair.
Don’t know why. My hair is already naturally curly. I just felt like doing it.
Then I fucked up and forgot I told a friend that I’d help her with some homework.
She ended up coming over. She helped me finish my hair and I helped her with her homework.
Went to my band concert.
At least I had a good reed.
My brain was not there at all though. My heart was pounding the whole damned time. I felt dizzy. I was practically gasping for air so often. My hands were trembling and were sweaty.
It was fun at times when I lost myself in the music. For the most part, I was practicing EMDR as to not have a meltdown on stage.
Not to mention, it felt like there was just this epic wall between Calvin and I before the concert.
He talked to me briefly afterwards before going to our professor’s family and the other saxophones and talking with them.
I feel so horrible right now.
I just want to die.
I don’t know what’s stopping me at this point.
My cat. My friends. My family.
Is it enough?
Was it ever enough?
I’m never enough.
But I’ve just about had enough.