Enough

I’ve had a pretty terrible day to be honest.

I was so tired this morning. I was just dreading everything. I felt so hopeless.

Once again, I skipped class just to wallow in my sorrow. 

I curled up in a ball and cried. And cried. And cried some more.

I felt like a worthless human being.

I finally went to my first class and all the classes after that. Those weren’t too bad. I just still felt awful. I am awful.

Got some food. Couldn’t find my wallet. Couldn’t do the one damned important thing I had to do today. Fuck me.

So instead, I curled my hair.

Don’t know why. My hair is already naturally curly. I just felt like doing it.

Then I fucked up and forgot I told a friend that I’d help her with some homework.

She ended up coming over. She helped me finish my hair and I helped her with her homework.

Went to my band concert.

At least I had a good reed. 

My brain was not there at all though. My heart was pounding the whole damned time. I felt dizzy. I was practically gasping for air so often. My hands were trembling and were sweaty. 

It was fun at times when I lost myself in the music. For the most part, I was practicing EMDR as to not have a meltdown on stage.

Not to mention, it felt like there was just this epic wall between Calvin and I before the concert.

He talked to me briefly afterwards before going to our professor’s family and the other saxophones and talking with them. 

I feel so horrible right now.

I just want to die.

I don’t know what’s stopping me at this point.

My cat. My friends. My family.

Is it enough?

Was it ever enough?

I’m never enough.

But I’ve just about had enough.

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