Words VS Action

I’m currently sitting at Panera. 

It’s getting a bit busy in here.

I’m sipping on some Hazelnut coffee and digesting two decent bagels.

I’ll probably start going back to Brugger’s. I prefer their bagels and coffee.

Also, the intercom is very annoying.

I’m also not the only college student with the idea of going to Panera.

I’m just wondering right now about donating plasma.

Since I’ve been on a lot of new medication, I may or may not be eligible anymore. I sincerely hope I still am. I really need the money.

I’m just… starting to shut down.

I don’t care anymore how bad my grades are going to be. I don’t care how little prepared I will be for my finals. 

I only care about making it through this week and next and then the next month.

It’s going to be damned hard without Calvin around.

That’s one of my biggest worries at the moment.

I’ve decided to take the overnight shifts at Perkins once I’m back from the bowl trip. It’s the only time that I will be guaranteed to make money, not be super stressed about work, and be able to talk to Calvin without having to stay up super late or get up way early in the morning.

A 12-hour time distance is hard. Or is it 13? It may be 13. 

It’s 14. Fuck me.

Thaaaat should be interesting.

I can see it being – I get off work at 6 or 7 AM, come home, skype Calvin (it being about 8 or 9 PM his time), then pass out until I have to go back to work the next night.

I’m honestly pretty okay with that.

And I have to keep telling myself that Calvin’s not even going to be gone for a whole month. He leaves back for Hong Kong on Christmas Eve then will be back on… the 15th of January? I think that’s when he’ll be back.

This is just what terrifies me.

I am so incredibly dependent upon him. 

So. Incredibly. Dependent.

I’m an incredibly independent individual.

For me to rely so heavily upon one person…

I can’t even imagine what it feels like for him.

I can’t even imagine that he knows though to be honest.

He probably doesn’t.

I’m pretty sure he agrees with me when I tell him that I’m not very good at displaying my true thoughts and feelings. If I did, it’d probably scare him though.

I wonder if he wonders why I’m such an affectionate person.

I’m much more physical because that’s the easy way out.

It so much easier to kiss him on the cheek when he does something adorable than to openly say, “That was adorable.”

I kiss him everywhere all the time. I hold him all the time. When I’m around him, I’m always touching him. That’s my way of telling him how much I need him and how important he is to me. That’s my way of expressing myself.

To me, words speak louder than actions. 

I’m just much better at doing actions than using words.

Words are too concrete and profound.

Actions are natural. Actions are honest. Actions are me.

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