Trust

We got mad.

We made up.

My sister is now engaged.

You’re exhausted.

I just wish I could tell you everything without feeling like I’m burdening you.

I was thinking the other night, maybe I’d let you read this some day.

Nope.

That’s not going to be a thing.

I won’t say never, but this is advice to myself to not let that happen. 

Say the things I need to say face to face. Don’t let you read this.

I’ve written too many horrible things for that to be even close to okay.

I’ve written too many embarrassing things for that to be even close to okay.

One is not stronger than the other. They are equal.

They are pretty much everything I’ve written.

Yuck.

Gross.

Blech.

Pardon me. Holy cow. I’m participating fully in this “Throwback Tuesday” thing. Not really. I think it’s actually supposed to be on Thursday, but whatever.

Pardon Me by Weezer. This is a great song.

I have some really great music.

I know a lot of really great music.

I just forget because I listen to so much good music.

Mostly, lyrics.

Lyyyyrrrriiiicccsss.

So. Good.

Gah.

Eargasm.

So much good music.

Anyway.

I guess I should start by being more honest.

It’s not that I lie to you. I don’t think I could do that.

I just don’t tell you the full truth.

You ask a question, I answer it, you seem satisfied before I’ve finished answering, I can see you’re stressed, you have heavy bags under your eyes, so I shut my mouth.

You start talking again.

My cuts are itching.

They’ve been itching lately.

Like… most of them are scars now. I’ve got a couple of pink ones. I think those are the ones that are itching.

I like that you respect the privacy with them.

My dad….

When I was in the hospital, he just took an opportunity. He was saying goodbye to me, and as he was saying goodbye to me, he pushed his hands up onto my shoulders and was feeling the cuts. The scars. The scabs.

I don’t know if I’ve ever been more angry at him in my whole life.

I felt so incredibly violated. So disrespected.

He could have asked.

Instead, he figured he’d go about it in his own way.

It still makes me mad just thinking about it.

That also reminds me…

I wrote while I was in the hospital.

I never posted it – it was all hand written since they took my laptop. 

I should post it.

The Hospital Chronicles. 

One of these days over winter break where I’m bored and don’t have to work.

I’m tired.

And Calvin’s in the shower.

I’m scared.

I think he is too.

That’s why we’re working well right now.

We don’t know what’s going to happen in our future.

And that terrifies us.

So we cling together. We lean on each other.

I felt so incredibly horrible.

He got upset. Reminded me that he needs me to support him from time to time too.

Trust me, I never forget that.

I’m just selfish. 

So we lean a little more.

I think I should trust him more.

Trust.

That’s scary.

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