True Misery

I really have this dark thing over me.

My sister is recently engaged.

I’m almost done with the semester.

Christmas is almost here.

I have a wonderful boyfriend, the guy that I’ve practically been in love with for almost 2 years now.

I have a great job.

My loan materials are turned in and now it’s just the waiting game.

How?

How can I feel so morbidly awful?

I want to rip the skin right off my body.

I want to vomit my insides out.

I want to die.

I want to be back, confined in that hospital.

A week from today, I hope I will be in that hospital.

I’d prefer that to the alternative.

I’m so incredibly overwhelmed right now. I feel like such an utter failure.

I see one thing, and I become increasingly paranoid. I can’t keep living…. “living” like this.

Last night with Calvin was pretty miserable.

I just…. got caught up in my mind. Couldn’t relax. Couldn’t enjoy myself. Felt awful and disgusting the whole time.

I feel like I have a small understanding of what it felt like for Sean.

This is true misery, my friends.

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