All at Once

It’s nearly 4 in the morning.

I’m still awake.

I’m freaking out.

I legitimately believe that I failed Music Theory this semester.

Why, you may ask?

I missed a lot of class. Missed even more assignments.

It’s not that I don’t know how to do music theory.

I got a 98% on the written final. 99% on the Sight Singing Exam. 97% on the aural training final.

I know how to do music theory.

It’s literally just with everything I went through this past semester, I just flopped.

I flopped at the attendance. I flopped at the work load. 

I couldn’t stop myself from having panic attacks every time I opened up my book.

Each time I logged onto the online course page.

I have this problem with avoidance so my therapist says.

This time last year, I couldn’t even open up my email due to severe panic attacks.

At least I’m not that bad.

I’m just about to have one now though.

Mostly due to exhaustion, anxiety, and disappointment.

How in the fuck did I let myself get this bad this semester?

I was fucking hospitalized for hurting myself on a daily basis.

No, that’s not the right question to be asking.

How am I still breathing after everything that happened this semester?

I know myself better. Had all this happened a year ago, I probably wouldn’t be.

Pride and shame would have brought me down. Lack of confidence doesn’t help either.

I know myself well enough to know that I would have at least made one suicide attempt by now.

But then again, I’ve grown as a person more in the past year alone. At least, my belief system is different than it was before.

Maybe that’s why I’m still breathing.

I could go on, but the lag on this page slows down my thought process and frustrates me too much. I can’t write freely if the page keeps doing this lagging bull shit.

It is comforting to know though that I’m not stupid. Well, I am for not having the work done/not going to enough class/not letting my professor know more about my situation as to eradicate these issues so I could pass the class without further thought. 

It is comforting to know that I am good at music theory and could retake the class and pass provided I just show up and do what I need to do instead of flailing about panicking over my life.

I need to get better at this whole living thing before I try to do it all at once.


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