Deserving Happiness: Is Coffee Making Me Feel Life (A Scatter-Brained Post)

The thing I did was wrong.

The thing I did was coffee at 11:00 PM.

Oh.

My. 

God.

Why.

I’m just wide awake now. I was thinking I’d take melatonin supplements to help me sleep tonight right after work so I could be up at 7:00 AM tomorrow and do work.

Nope.

Not. Happening.

But with this coffee thing, I was hoping to Skype Calvin for at least a little bit.

No response. 

Oh well.

I’ll just wait until… whenever I guess? 

I honestly have no idea what his sleep schedule is like right now.

Or any kind of schedule he has right now.

I would just like to Skype with him once before I leave for the bowl trip on Sunday.

I’m sure that’ll happen. If not, it’s not a big deal. He’ll just have to deal with my interesting HMB people barging into my room and requiring attention if we Skype on the trip. Or people complaining about me being antisocial. Whoops.

That’ll probably happen anyway though.

#storyofmylife

Seriously though.

Why did I do this coffee thing?

Because I’m stupid.

Stuuuuupppiiiiiiddddd.

Stupid.

My coworker did it too. But he’s negating the effects with copious amounts of alcohol.

The struggle of not being 21 yet in America is real.

Very. Real.

Okay, maybe I don’t really care that I can’t legally drink yet.

I mean, it hasn’t stopped me, but I know I really shouldn’t be drinking it anyway due to my health and such so it’s not like I’m crying over that small fact.

Okay. Only crying a little bit.

Sobbing.

Whatever.

Same thing.

OH MY GOD THIS DAMNED COFFEE.

I find myself… loosing myself more often lately.

I’ve been overly happy.

I honestly have no idea why.

Maybe it’s the whole “school is over” right now thing.

Then I start thinking about classes and my heart starts pounding and I can’t make it stop and I feel like I’m going to vomit.

But then I think of the next time I walk into class, Calvin will be back which is better.

I do miss him.

I do miss him quite a lot.

And then I start thinking about summer and how much that is going to suck.

Provided we are still together.

God. I need to stop over thinking things.

I just, can’t accept the fact that I’m happy with him right now. Or that he could be happy with me. The idea is not only foreign, but rejected by my corrupt mind.

The real struggle of living with a mood disorder.

With mood disorders.

I’m just ready to start feeling happy.

More importantly, I’m ready to start feeling like I deserve happiness.

The bigger question – do I really?

Don’t give me “of course you do” bull shit.

Am I really entitled to such things?

Or is this society’s “little bitch of living”?

Deserving happiness.

What a fickle thing.

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