There’s a lot for me to do today.
It’s 1:47 PM.
I’m still freaking out over my Music Theory grade.
I’m just not sure what to expect.
Did I honestly flunk?
I wouldn’t be surprised, but I’m not sure how to face my professors with that news.
Granted, only one of the two major professors I work with know about my circumstances and what I’m doing to fix them.
I really should tell the other one.
He’s the one I’m worried about though.
He’s my studio professor.
And I can’t help but feel like a fuck-up in front of him.
I’ve talked in past posts how I believe I made it into the studio.
I’m thinking more and more that it was sheer, dumb luck.
Because I wasn’t even slightly aware of what life was going to throw at me.
And I’m almost positive now that I am a regret. A stain. An ugly, embarrassing stain in the studio.
I honestly don’t deserve to be in the studio. I make fun of my status all the time. I can’t even pick up a saxophone without freaking out now.
I need to tell him though.
I also need him to sign some papers for me.
Then this whole “All-Stars Competition” that I’m in charge of.
I need to step down.
More importantly, the president of our fraternity needs to let me step down.
I did not want this position, or I would have declined the position had I been aware it was in my power to do so.
Instead, they threw it at me.
And I tried to step down early, back in October, during my hospital stay.
The president really didn’t want me to.
So I stayed.
I shouldn’t have stayed.
I’m just full of regret and regrets right now.