Regret

There’s a lot for me to do today.

It’s 1:47 PM.

I’m still freaking out over my Music Theory grade.

I’m just not sure what to expect. 

Did I honestly flunk?

I wouldn’t be surprised, but I’m not sure how to face my professors with that news.

Granted, only one of the two major professors I work with know about my circumstances and what I’m doing to fix them.

I really should tell the other one.

He’s the one I’m worried about though.

He’s my studio professor.

And I can’t help but feel like a fuck-up in front of him.

I’ve talked in past posts how I believe I made it into the studio.

I’m thinking more and more that it was sheer, dumb luck.

Because I wasn’t even slightly aware of what life was going to throw at me.

And I’m almost positive now that I am a regret. A stain. An ugly, embarrassing stain in the studio.

I honestly don’t deserve to be in the studio. I make fun of my status all the time. I can’t even pick up a saxophone without freaking out now.

I need to tell him though.

I also need him to sign some papers for me.

Then this whole “All-Stars Competition” that I’m in charge of.

I need to step down.

More importantly, the president of our fraternity needs to let me step down.

I did not want this position, or I would have declined the position had I been aware it was in my power to do so.

Instead, they threw it at me.

And I tried to step down early, back in October, during my hospital stay.

The president really didn’t want me to.

So I stayed.

I shouldn’t have stayed.

I’m just full of regret and regrets right now.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s