Discover

I am constantly in discovery.

Sometimes, I find myself in others.

Right now, I’m finding myself in a situation I never anticipated.

So, I got one of those smart phone things all the young kids have. I mean, being 20-years-old and not having one… it’s just so incredibly nifty. Makes my life a lot easier in some ways. Harder in that apps are addicting. 

I’ve been having all sorts of fun with Snapchat, QuizUp, etc.. I was scrolling through the App Store with my sister when I came across Tiny Wings. Now, I remember playing that game obsessively when I was dating Sean. All the time, I’d take his phone and play it. I got really good at it. It’s a stupidly addicting game. I don’t know why on earth I spent $0.99 on it… 

Mistakes.

Whoops.

But now we’re talking. I’m talking to Sean. I don’t really know why. I don’t think any harm will come of it. Except Calvin’s the jealous type (or so he tells me) and I just don’t know.

Especially because I initiated it. 

That’s going to look bad unless I tell him at some point.

At the same time though, it’s not really much of his business. I don’t ask him about his conversations with his exes. I’ve asked questions about them, yes, but not out of envy or a desire to keep him from them. Maybe out of sheer curiosity. Real, genuine curiosity. I don’t know. I just like to know things. I guess I was also trying to gage where he was with his exes as to then see how I could proceed with mine.

I mean, I’m one that typically likes to burn bridges the whole way down then leave them disconnected. Once something is done, I let it be done and move on with my life. Now, I’m wondering if that’s such a good way to live.

I mean, Calvin and I had a great talk last night. I know we haven’t been together long, but even some of our friends joke about our future together and it’s really intimidating. I want to take things super slow. I mean, some things (i.e. sex) we didn’t waste time with, but other things.

I mean, I don’t want to hold back, but I want to… ugh.

There are just so many words flowing through my head and I can’t process them. Mostly I just want to talk to him for hours on end and not feel worried, rushed, or pressured. I want to tell him everything. At the same time, I’m too scared to. I want to wait to tell him things. I want to keep things hidden. I want to wait. I want to wait. 

I’m also just so overwhelmed by my life. I have all this time. All this incredible time. I’m supposed to be doing a lot of things with that time like cleaning and organizing and meditating and getting my life back in order. 

I haven’t really been doing any of that.

Okay, I have, it just doesn’t feel like enough. 

I’m just so upset right now. 

Mostly because while I know I should be focusing on myself, I worry about the people around me and I focus so much on them I ignore my own problems.

I want to discover the world around me, the people around me.

But I still need time to discover myself.

Stagnant Anxiety

It’s been a while, yes?

I have finally joined the 21st Century. I have a smart phone. Don’t know how to quite work it still to get the full potential out of it, but I’ll get there with a little help with my friends.

I’m currently in a chamber room with 3 of my fellow saxophonists. They’re all practicing. One is now playing the piano as they go back and forth. One will start the piano part then the others will join in on the saxophone part. It’s Calvin, Dennis, and Eric. 

Calvin’s doing a lot of goofing off. A lot of goofing off. Small reminders of why we work together.

The other saxophonist is in another practice room of her own. That’s how she gets stuff done. I’m the same way. I couldn’t practice with these 3. 

Half of the time is Dennis and Calvin talking in Cantonese though. And laughing. One will play something, they’ll laugh, say something in Cantonese, they imitate each other.

It’s pretty funny really.

And it’ll probably come up a lot in this post due to the amount of attention they’re taking of mine. That didn’t make sense. I don’t know how to say that.

But the past few weeks have flown by. Flown by in such a way that I really haven’t dedicated the time to comprehend all of it. Then again, I haven’t really had the time to do such.

Well, okay, I have. Kind of. It’s confusing. 

Minnesota was cold. Minnesota was a difficult drive there and back. I’m pretty sure that school was ruled out for grad school.

The more I talk to Calvin about it, the more likely it sounds like he’ll stay. He also talks frequently about the future. In such a way that he hopes it includes me.

Now that I think about it, we’ve been together for almost 3 months. Considering how long we’ve known each other for though… It’s just flown by. 

I keep looking at time and I feel like my perception of it is decreasing. I go day by day and barely even grasp that time is going by. It’s just… when’s my next obligation? What time do I have to be across campus? Go to class, only thinking about what I have to do after that class is over. Or thinking what I can do after that class is over. 

It’s scarring me. I don’t like the whole “not living in the present” thing.

Part of that I am aware is anxiety. 

Lists? I like lists.

I should make a list of things to talk about with my therapist. Our sessions have gotten quite stagnant. 

Just like my writing. I can’t do this with 3 saxophonists in a room. 

His Secrets : Part 1

As tired as I am, I need to write this down so I can process it more fully. I have already talked it through with a trusted confidant, but I am better at writing than speaking. My thoughts are more organized.

12+ hours in a car with someone and you’re bound to make good conversation.

Well, some. Provided they’re not sleeping.

He slept through most of the drive, really.

It was really okay though. Gave me good thinking time. I will never complain about that.

He’s still recovering from his trip around the world. So it’s also totally understandable.

But oh God, did I get some of the information I wanted.

Not all of it because I didn’t ask all of the questions. Or it was in the wee hours of the morning so I’m not entirely sure what was said. I know I came clean about a lot of things. I remember him being quite understanding.

I’ll probably ask him those questions though on our next long drive – which is this weekend. That’s okay, it’s given him some possible good processing time but not too long that he forgot.

Or at least I hope.

But onto the topic.

Calvin and Alisha has been unveiled and it still makes my stomach churn. The weird feeling in my gut… I can’t explain it. Possible relief, anxiety, frustration, or a combination…. I don’t know.

Calvin does an awful lot of complaining about his ex. He has especially since he came clean about her. I’m worried that all he’ll be doing is bashing her for the next little while before I get too uncomfortable with it. Hopefully I can help him rather than push him away though.

From what he is telling me, they still keep in touch. This is enough to stress me out. Regardless of his feelings, intentions, or whatever, it’ll probably always make me feel a little uncomfortable. Especially because a lot of the time, I feel like a rebound from her.

I’m not one to live in someone else’s shadows. I create enough for myself to hide in, I do not hide behind others well.

But by keeping in touch, he says it’s mostly her. Her telling him updates on her life. Her saying certain *things* about her new boyfriend (some not-so positive.) Her telling him that she misses him.

Apparently, she still told him that she loved him up until he came back to school. She has said that she has thought frequently about them getting back together.

They were waiting on each other. She was waiting for him to become a Christian so her family would approve of their relationship. He was waiting on her to give up on that dream and defy her family. She strung him along for a long time.

I think that’s the part that makes my stomach churn the most.

I don’t know if it’s because… I think it could be for a couple of reasons. She could still be in love with him. This I don’t find hard to believe at all. It could be what upsets me most because I know just how much more pain that has caused/is causing him. Stringing people along is the worst. It’s selfish and I seriously can’t express how much people that do that anger me. I seriously can’t. It’s just… so incredibly selfish. So selfish.

My confidant helped me think it through some. They reminded me of how much harder it is to get over someone if they feel like the relationship was a mistake. It’s easier to get over someone that you have loved and lost than to get over someone you almost wish you had never loved. While I’m not sure Calvin regrets his relationship with her, he certainly came across like that at times. I do remember telling him that I don’t care and the person I love him for is the person that is with me here and now. He wouldn’t be that person if he hadn’t dated her. I wouldn’t be the person I am now had he not dated her. A lot of things would be different. We would be a lot different.

I can’t remember exactly what my confidant said, but on the matter of Alisha *complaining* about her current boyfriend to Calvin (I don’t remember if that’s exactly true or if he just heard it through the grapevine, regardless, Calvin knows about it), they said something of her needing to let him go. He needs to help her let him go. He doesn’t have to let her use him. He doesn’t have to let her lean on him so much.

Calvin’s far too nice though. Far, far, far too nice though to ever do that.

Or he’s scared to do it.

I can’t blame him. It’s hard to tell someone that they need to let you go and to help them do that. It’s really, really hard. I know. I’ve had to do it before.

It’s even worse when you really care about that person.

Audition

It’s been an interesting couple of days.

I’m currently sitting on a bench in the Musical Arts Center at Indiana University. 

What’s worse is that my head is spinning and I’m not even the one auditioning.

Calvin is nervous as to be expected. I wonder what is going through his mind. Right now, I’m focusing on being encouraging. 

The place has cleared out for the most part from this morning. It was exceedingly awkward for me due to me being dressed too casually to be taken as an audition-er, but too young to be a parent. Many people just thought I was another IU student. Wrong. 

It’s been kind of funny.

Then, Calvin and I went to the saxophone luncheon. 

The people in the studio are warm and welcoming. Everyone was friendly – especially their graduate students. I still can’t believe that there aren’t any DMA students in the studio. At the same time, I can. Dr. Murphy requires a certain caliber of students I guess. He’s very selective, much more so than Dr. Tse. 

I’d still take Dr. Tse any day. Probably because I can’t take Dr. Murphy seriously after all the joking I’ve been exposed to. 

Everyone that came up to Calvin and me were asking how our auditions went. I’m not sure how many times I had to explain that I was just a taxi, not a potential member of their studio. It was still very nice engaging in conversation.

Why, why is my social anxiety so bad?

I told Calvin all the diagnoses last night.

(This post was interrupted by Mr. Tyler Cousin on Saturday.)

Scream

I’m trying not to scream.

While I made good money at work last night, it was not particularly pleasant. 

I really just want to scream right now.

There’s so much I have to do. There’s so much I must do. I’m wide awake, but none of the places that I need to go are open at this hour. 

It’s 7:30 AM and I want to scream.

I’m just…

I need medication. Now.

Otherwise I’ll do things I’ll regret later or won’t know to regret later.

Strength and Hope

“I hope you are enjoying your life.”

I’m not right now.

I have this heavy weight sitting right on my sternum. Extremely heavy. It makes me feel so tired. It makes me agitated. 

My strength bracelet has just broken.

If that’s not symbolic, I don’t know what is.

I just… I’ve already dropped a lot of stuff at work tonight. Only one of those things was breakable (and yes, it did break.)

2014 has been clean of vices thus far. No cutting. No smoking. 

I’ve had strength. 

I’ve had strength in knowing I have a good job. I’ve had strength in knowing and being with my closest friends. I’ve had strength in a relationship that I’ve been happy in. I’ve had strength knowing I’m going into the right field. I’ve had strength in my abilities. I’ve had strength in the people around me.

My strength is breaking.

Or maybe it already was.

I wore the strength bracelet because I have issues with the word hope. It’s a fickle thing that really just ties into the word “expectations”. I have an even bigger problem with expectations. Expectations create attachment to ideals. Attachment ruins things. I’ve been let down too many times to be okay with having expectations. 

Now that strength is broken, I’m wearing hope.

I had to swallow the bile already. I hate being like this.

When people ask me about my anxiety and depression, they usually just have the hardest time picturing a person like me – who is generally goofy, fun-loving, and full of laughter – with this kind of disorder. Or when people ask how things are going along… it’s all the same. I usually answer honestly – some days are better than others, but I’m getting there.

What a lot of people fail to understand is that it’s such a constant struggle.

I’m exhausted most of the time. I can’t concentrate on things for as long as I would like. I’m highly unmotivated. I don’t have desires or a will to keep going monotonously like this. 

People at work keep asking me how excited I am for Calvin to come back.

A few days ago, I was honest in saying that I was thrilled.

Now is a different story.

Now, I have trouble thinking about going to bed and waking up tomorrow.

I’m tired of doing this.

I’m tired, tired, tired.

So to reply to you: No, I’m not really enjoying my life right now. 

But that’s probably not something you can handle right now.

Absence

The number of times you have said “I love you” before me are fewer than the digits I have on both hands.

Possibly even one hand.

I’m beginning to feel how I did at the beginning of this year again. Almost.

I remember sitting in Avery’s car. I believe we were on our way to marching band. I don’t know why she was driving me, but she was. I told her that for the first time in forever, I thought I could honestly just be your friend. Sure, I would pine for you. I would still want you. But for the first time, I thought I could let you go and just be friends with you and be content with that.

She congratulated me and proceeded to tell me how great that was. She said she was shocked. She knew how much I had wanted to be with you and for how long. She knew the gravity of those words – and that I meant them.

She was also elated when I told her that we were in a relationship.

But now I’m beginning to question that myself.

You tell me things like I’m beautiful. While it’s nice to hear, it doesn’t really tell me what you really think of me.

Today when we Skyped, I felt really great about myself. We talked for probably the longest we had yet this break. What about? I’m not really sure, but that’s okay.

I’m okay about not making “us” public. In fact, I’d rather keep it that way.

I’d rather you at least tell me once how you really feel.

I’m beginning to believe two things, neither of which are particularly good:

1. You’re still toying with me/are unsure of your feelings. I understand, we haven’t been together long. At the same time, it’s been long enough for you to figure out if it’s even a “more than friends” feeling.

2. You are worse at talking about your feelings than me. That’s saying something there. 

I’m an honest person. I’m a self-conscious person. I’m a straight forward person. I’m a person that’s afraid of a lot of things.

I terrified that you’ll reject me.

I wonder if that’s something you’re afraid of too.

Are you afraid of the words that come out of your mouth? Are actions so much more natural for you?

If so, I’m afraid that a long distance relationship between us will be more difficult than it would for the average couple.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

I miss you. That will never change.

I love you. I really do. I know it deep in my bones. I may sway from time to time or grow tired or scared or forget.

But I know it.

Otherwise, why would I still love you after all this time?

SAD

I should have been smarter than I am.

A depressed girl should have known better.

Why have I been so incredibly exhausted all this week? It’s not like I’ve been doing anything out of the ordinary? I’ve been working out, sleeping, going to work, cleaning… nothing that I don’t usually do during my summers.

Then why, why have I been so incredibly exhausted?

The answer:

Night shifts and depression and SAD.

I should have been smarter when I thought about my winter break work schedule…

I do suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. Already, my circadian rhythms are messed up due to the decreased sunlight. My serotonin levels are all over the place most of the time but are at much lower levels during the winter. 

My thinking process: I’ll be on the same time schedule as Calvin, have less stress at work, and still make the same amount of money.

Reality: this just sucks dick. I’m tired constantly and don’t sleep during the day like I should but of course my body doesn’t do what it “should” because it never does.