Pity

We’re burdened by what we always need to do and therefore, don’t have time to focus in on each other.

I can’t stand my shadow. I’ll turn off all the lights to forget it. To erase it.

I know you want to stay longer. I know you want to come back. You’re conflicted, and that’s okay. I don’t expect you to want to stay longer. I don’t expect you to want to come back. I don’t have expectations. It keeps things simple.

You have pity for me and my rough semester and my even rougher grades. Don’t. It’s not your fault. 

Your choices, your indecision, your failure to communicate with me and assume things, maybe. Okay, that’s harsh, but it was really the time before we started dating that wrecked me. After that, nothing you did affected my grades. Nothing about you affected the time I was devoting to my studies. 

It was the before. October was a horrid month for me. Self-harming daily. Crying daily. Panic attacks or anxiety attacks or both daily. Daily on edge. Daily wanting to die.

I was rejected. I was cruel to myself. I blamed everything on myself.

I began to feel numb to it again.

I harmed myself to feel again.

Then I harmed to forget how to feel again.

I don’t want to feel like this.

I don’t want to look like this.

I don’t want you to pity me.

I take it upon myself to fix me. I take it upon you and everyone else in my life to help me get there.

I will be fixed. I will be remade.

And God Damn it I will be happy.

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