Unprepared: A Drunken Rant

Everything I wish I could say but can’t and why I can’t:

1. A: I’m very drunk right now.

1. B: You don’t approve. I have yet to know why.

2. A: I miss you

2. B: I miss you all the time. It’d probably freak you out if you knew that, but I really do. A song comes on my stereo: I think of you. I open up the tin of origami flowers you gave me for Christmas that now holds my earrings: I think of you (obviously.) I write about my life: constant missing you. I honestly am trying to think of a time where I don’t miss you. I don’t believe it exists.

3. A: I am a mess.

3. B: I am taking steps to clean my mess. I have goals for 2014. One of those: stay clear of the hospital. I’ll go if need be, but I know I’m strong. I can keep clear. I can keep myself clean.

4. A: You’re amazing.

4. B: Seriously. Why are you dating me? I still don’t see what you see in me.

5. A: My cat’s loud.

5. B: WHAT? WHAT LEO? WHAT IS THE MATTER LEO? WHAT DO YOU NEED LEO? FOOD? NO. WATER? NO. LITTER CHANGED? NO. YOU’RE ANNOYING. I LOVE YOU, BUT NO. STOP.

6. A: If I told you I wasn’t counting down the days until you’re home, I’d be lying.

6. B: Nothing else need be said.

7. A: My dad’s a jerk.

7. B: Seriously. I told my therapist about the fight. It’s ridiculous. I don’t feel like I’m in the wrong. I’m also not feeling too forgiving, which is rare. I’m usually very “quick to anger, quicker to forgive and/or forget.” Not this time. I’ve had enough. All I get is a text today reminding me that “he’s still here.” As if I could ever forget that.

8. A: Why am I still breathing?

8. B: I’ve found my future career. I’ve got a good bunch of friends. I have my sister. She happily engaged. And I’m very happy with you. I mean, I’m not saying everything depends on you here (so no pressure), but you have been a saving grace. For that, I am eternally indebted to you. I just don’t have the courage to tell you that.

9. A: Why can’t I tell you that?

9. B: I feel like if you knew this stuff – knew the true thoughts I had about myself, knew my true feelings, knew how long I had longed for you, knew how much I cared about you, knew how desperately I had wanted to kill myself, knew how many times I took that blade and placed it upon my skin, knew how much pleasure cutting myself really brought me, knew how messed up I was – you would leave.

10. A: You think of me as a charity case. Something you can fix.

10. B: This is my worst nightmare. And 99% of the time, I believe it’s the only reason why you “want” to be with me. You said it yourself. You were “attracted” to me because you wanted to help. You wanted to fix me.

Let me tell you – I’m not a basket case.

I’m not a charity case.

I’m shattered.

I’m broken beyond repair.

I’m in pieces.

If you think I’m a “charity case”, you’re wrong.

I’m worse.

And you’re horribly unprepared if you think you can fix me.

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