Private Affections

Even before it began, everyone could see right through me.

That makes me sick and embarrassed. I’m sure you don’t mind though.

Even a good friend of ours could see right through me before I even registered it. She’s your ex’s best friend. It just… it’s not ideal that she could see through me. Especially when you were with your ex. I seriously can’t stomach it.

At least she called me smart.

I take some pride in that.

But I look at your ex’s new relationship. I’m happy for her. I hope you are too. I also know it probably hurts to see every time it pops up. I wonder what you think about it. I don’t dare to ask fearing of being too invasive and opening up old wounds. 

But as someone who was… is my best friend, I can’t help but feel like there are unresolved feelings there. I don’t know if it’s just my own insecurity or my intuition. I know if we were just friends, I would ask your thoughts on it. I know it. I think because we’re together now, I’m holding back. 

I hold back a lot when it comes to you now. It’s unnatural for me and it’s very uncomfortable.

I should be ashamed of that. In some ways I am. In other ways, I don’t know how I should feel. Should I come clean? Tell you about my life in exchange for yours? Do you even want to know my life in such a way? Or would you rather it remain an enigma?

I’m a naturally curious person. When I let someone into my life in a more intimate way, there are certain things I have to know. Things I need them to know about me. Diego knows almost everything there is to know about me. So does Alex. So does Christine. So does David. So does Christian. They’re my main 5. They’re my best friends. I know a lot of things about them, too. Maybe not everything, but I know they trust me. I know if they’re in a crisis, they come to me. I’ve answered so many drunk calls, so many calls in tears, so many calls when they’re in a pinch, they know I’m always here for them.

That’s the way things are in my life.

I’m a very committed friend.

I need people to be just as committed to me.

I’m not saying we have to know everything about one another. There are things I’ll probably never tell you and vice versa. 

I’m not saying that we have to commit 100% to making this relationship go the distance. I’m not concerned about marriage or things like that right now. In fact, that’s the opposite of what I want.

What I need is to know that when I need you, you will be there. You will be available. You will be there for me when I need you most. 

My life is messy. I know that. I may be more needy than normal now.

I… I’m sorry.

It’s hard.

And I’m sorry that I’ll never be the kind of girl to post cute things on your Facebook, or comment on how handsome you look in the public eye, the kind of girl that will just randomly post “I love you” for all eyes to see. I’m private.

I’m very private. 

I’m very private about showing my affection.

That’s why I’m so bothered that everyone was able to see right through me. It hurts.

But don’t take that as I love you any less.

I know that I love you more than you could possibly imagine.

I will always say I love you in private. I will always comment how handsome you look when I can whisper it in your ear. I will always share things with you when we’re together.

And I will mean every word, every action.

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