Sincerity

Oh God.

I thought that Skyping with you would make me feel better.

Unfortunately, it had the opposite effect.

Remember how I said that seeing pictures of you almost hurts because…

Hold up. I need to take a Lorazepam because I’m about to have an attack.

I took two.

Two that have been a few days overdue.

I don’t know why I’ve been having all this heightened anxiety lately.

Probably my messed up sleep schedule.

Good to know – probably won’t do this whole night shift stuff again over the summer like I was originally thinking.

It’s amazing just knowing that I’ve taken them how much that already reduces my anxiety.

#mental illness problems

or perks.

I’m not sure.

I should make a list of things to discuss with you when you get back.

I thought maybe, just maybe, I would talk to you about at least a couple of these things that have been plaguing my mind via Skype or internet or something.

But then I realized that I didn’t want to. While we were Skyping, it seemed too impersonal. I couldn’t do it.

Lorazepam is kicking in now. My head just exploded a little bit. Slowness erupts. This is it.

Quick and dirty list:

1. Me and my mental illness and what it’s like for you. I hate to constantly bring it up, but I need you to know more. I need to trust you more. It’s going to be hard for both of us, but this is super important. 

2. You and Alisha. There’s a lot I don’t know that others do. I hope you trust me enough to share. I don’t want to push it, but even as a friend, I feel like you hid this from me.

3. You and drinking. There’s a lot I don’t know that others do. I hope you trust me enough to share. I don’t want to push it, but even as a friend, I feel like you hid this from me. You also judged me, and I don’t like being judged without having any pretext for why.

4. My holding back. It’s unnatural for me. Maybe I do need to learn to refrain, but my straightforward nature…. it’s just so hard.

5. I’m sorry. Lately, I’ve been very apologetic for the way I am. It’s always sincere. Please, accept my apologies for now and we can work on diminishing them.

I’m always sincere. Please know that.

I’m always sincere when I apologize.

I’m always sincere when I say I miss you like crazy.

I’m always sincere when I say I love you.

I’m just a very honest and sincere person.

I don’t like hypocrisy and duplicity. I can’t stand it actually.

But due to my sincere nature and my upbringing, I’m naturally suspicious of people.

Maybe that’s why I try to be straightforward and honest as much as possible.

Because I don’t want people to second guess me.

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