I thought that Skyping with you would make me feel better.
Unfortunately, it had the opposite effect.
Remember how I said that seeing pictures of you almost hurts because…
Hold up. I need to take a Lorazepam because I’m about to have an attack.
I took two.
Two that have been a few days overdue.
I don’t know why I’ve been having all this heightened anxiety lately.
Probably my messed up sleep schedule.
Good to know – probably won’t do this whole night shift stuff again over the summer like I was originally thinking.
It’s amazing just knowing that I’ve taken them how much that already reduces my anxiety.
#mental illness problems
I’m not sure.
I should make a list of things to discuss with you when you get back.
I thought maybe, just maybe, I would talk to you about at least a couple of these things that have been plaguing my mind via Skype or internet or something.
But then I realized that I didn’t want to. While we were Skyping, it seemed too impersonal. I couldn’t do it.
Lorazepam is kicking in now. My head just exploded a little bit. Slowness erupts. This is it.
Quick and dirty list:
1. Me and my mental illness and what it’s like for you. I hate to constantly bring it up, but I need you to know more. I need to trust you more. It’s going to be hard for both of us, but this is super important.
2. You and Alisha. There’s a lot I don’t know that others do. I hope you trust me enough to share. I don’t want to push it, but even as a friend, I feel like you hid this from me.
3. You and drinking. There’s a lot I don’t know that others do. I hope you trust me enough to share. I don’t want to push it, but even as a friend, I feel like you hid this from me. You also judged me, and I don’t like being judged without having any pretext for why.
4. My holding back. It’s unnatural for me. Maybe I do need to learn to refrain, but my straightforward nature…. it’s just so hard.
5. I’m sorry. Lately, I’ve been very apologetic for the way I am. It’s always sincere. Please, accept my apologies for now and we can work on diminishing them.
I’m always sincere. Please know that.
I’m always sincere when I apologize.
I’m always sincere when I say I miss you like crazy.
I’m always sincere when I say I love you.
I’m just a very honest and sincere person.
I don’t like hypocrisy and duplicity. I can’t stand it actually.
But due to my sincere nature and my upbringing, I’m naturally suspicious of people.
Maybe that’s why I try to be straightforward and honest as much as possible.
Because I don’t want people to second guess me.