Absence

The number of times you have said “I love you” before me are fewer than the digits I have on both hands.

Possibly even one hand.

I’m beginning to feel how I did at the beginning of this year again. Almost.

I remember sitting in Avery’s car. I believe we were on our way to marching band. I don’t know why she was driving me, but she was. I told her that for the first time in forever, I thought I could honestly just be your friend. Sure, I would pine for you. I would still want you. But for the first time, I thought I could let you go and just be friends with you and be content with that.

She congratulated me and proceeded to tell me how great that was. She said she was shocked. She knew how much I had wanted to be with you and for how long. She knew the gravity of those words – and that I meant them.

She was also elated when I told her that we were in a relationship.

But now I’m beginning to question that myself.

You tell me things like I’m beautiful. While it’s nice to hear, it doesn’t really tell me what you really think of me.

Today when we Skyped, I felt really great about myself. We talked for probably the longest we had yet this break. What about? I’m not really sure, but that’s okay.

I’m okay about not making “us” public. In fact, I’d rather keep it that way.

I’d rather you at least tell me once how you really feel.

I’m beginning to believe two things, neither of which are particularly good:

1. You’re still toying with me/are unsure of your feelings. I understand, we haven’t been together long. At the same time, it’s been long enough for you to figure out if it’s even a “more than friends” feeling.

2. You are worse at talking about your feelings than me. That’s saying something there. 

I’m an honest person. I’m a self-conscious person. I’m a straight forward person. I’m a person that’s afraid of a lot of things.

I terrified that you’ll reject me.

I wonder if that’s something you’re afraid of too.

Are you afraid of the words that come out of your mouth? Are actions so much more natural for you?

If so, I’m afraid that a long distance relationship between us will be more difficult than it would for the average couple.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

I miss you. That will never change.

I love you. I really do. I know it deep in my bones. I may sway from time to time or grow tired or scared or forget.

But I know it.

Otherwise, why would I still love you after all this time?

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