Strength and Hope

“I hope you are enjoying your life.”

I’m not right now.

I have this heavy weight sitting right on my sternum. Extremely heavy. It makes me feel so tired. It makes me agitated. 

My strength bracelet has just broken.

If that’s not symbolic, I don’t know what is.

I just… I’ve already dropped a lot of stuff at work tonight. Only one of those things was breakable (and yes, it did break.)

2014 has been clean of vices thus far. No cutting. No smoking. 

I’ve had strength. 

I’ve had strength in knowing I have a good job. I’ve had strength in knowing and being with my closest friends. I’ve had strength in a relationship that I’ve been happy in. I’ve had strength knowing I’m going into the right field. I’ve had strength in my abilities. I’ve had strength in the people around me.

My strength is breaking.

Or maybe it already was.

I wore the strength bracelet because I have issues with the word hope. It’s a fickle thing that really just ties into the word “expectations”. I have an even bigger problem with expectations. Expectations create attachment to ideals. Attachment ruins things. I’ve been let down too many times to be okay with having expectations. 

Now that strength is broken, I’m wearing hope.

I had to swallow the bile already. I hate being like this.

When people ask me about my anxiety and depression, they usually just have the hardest time picturing a person like me – who is generally goofy, fun-loving, and full of laughter – with this kind of disorder. Or when people ask how things are going along… it’s all the same. I usually answer honestly – some days are better than others, but I’m getting there.

What a lot of people fail to understand is that it’s such a constant struggle.

I’m exhausted most of the time. I can’t concentrate on things for as long as I would like. I’m highly unmotivated. I don’t have desires or a will to keep going monotonously like this. 

People at work keep asking me how excited I am for Calvin to come back.

A few days ago, I was honest in saying that I was thrilled.

Now is a different story.

Now, I have trouble thinking about going to bed and waking up tomorrow.

I’m tired of doing this.

I’m tired, tired, tired.

So to reply to you: No, I’m not really enjoying my life right now. 

But that’s probably not something you can handle right now.

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