His Secrets : Part 1

As tired as I am, I need to write this down so I can process it more fully. I have already talked it through with a trusted confidant, but I am better at writing than speaking. My thoughts are more organized.

12+ hours in a car with someone and you’re bound to make good conversation.

Well, some. Provided they’re not sleeping.

He slept through most of the drive, really.

It was really okay though. Gave me good thinking time. I will never complain about that.

He’s still recovering from his trip around the world. So it’s also totally understandable.

But oh God, did I get some of the information I wanted.

Not all of it because I didn’t ask all of the questions. Or it was in the wee hours of the morning so I’m not entirely sure what was said. I know I came clean about a lot of things. I remember him being quite understanding.

I’ll probably ask him those questions though on our next long drive – which is this weekend. That’s okay, it’s given him some possible good processing time but not too long that he forgot.

Or at least I hope.

But onto the topic.

Calvin and Alisha has been unveiled and it still makes my stomach churn. The weird feeling in my gut… I can’t explain it. Possible relief, anxiety, frustration, or a combination…. I don’t know.

Calvin does an awful lot of complaining about his ex. He has especially since he came clean about her. I’m worried that all he’ll be doing is bashing her for the next little while before I get too uncomfortable with it. Hopefully I can help him rather than push him away though.

From what he is telling me, they still keep in touch. This is enough to stress me out. Regardless of his feelings, intentions, or whatever, it’ll probably always make me feel a little uncomfortable. Especially because a lot of the time, I feel like a rebound from her.

I’m not one to live in someone else’s shadows. I create enough for myself to hide in, I do not hide behind others well.

But by keeping in touch, he says it’s mostly her. Her telling him updates on her life. Her saying certain *things* about her new boyfriend (some not-so positive.) Her telling him that she misses him.

Apparently, she still told him that she loved him up until he came back to school. She has said that she has thought frequently about them getting back together.

They were waiting on each other. She was waiting for him to become a Christian so her family would approve of their relationship. He was waiting on her to give up on that dream and defy her family. She strung him along for a long time.

I think that’s the part that makes my stomach churn the most.

I don’t know if it’s because… I think it could be for a couple of reasons. She could still be in love with him. This I don’t find hard to believe at all. It could be what upsets me most because I know just how much more pain that has caused/is causing him. Stringing people along is the worst. It’s selfish and I seriously can’t express how much people that do that anger me. I seriously can’t. It’s just… so incredibly selfish. So selfish.

My confidant helped me think it through some. They reminded me of how much harder it is to get over someone if they feel like the relationship was a mistake. It’s easier to get over someone that you have loved and lost than to get over someone you almost wish you had never loved. While I’m not sure Calvin regrets his relationship with her, he certainly came across like that at times. I do remember telling him that I don’t care and the person I love him for is the person that is with me here and now. He wouldn’t be that person if he hadn’t dated her. I wouldn’t be the person I am now had he not dated her. A lot of things would be different. We would be a lot different.

I can’t remember exactly what my confidant said, but on the matter of Alisha *complaining* about her current boyfriend to Calvin (I don’t remember if that’s exactly true or if he just heard it through the grapevine, regardless, Calvin knows about it), they said something of her needing to let him go. He needs to help her let him go. He doesn’t have to let her use him. He doesn’t have to let her lean on him so much.

Calvin’s far too nice though. Far, far, far too nice though to ever do that.

Or he’s scared to do it.

I can’t blame him. It’s hard to tell someone that they need to let you go and to help them do that. It’s really, really hard. I know. I’ve had to do it before.

It’s even worse when you really care about that person.

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