Stagnant Anxiety

It’s been a while, yes?

I have finally joined the 21st Century. I have a smart phone. Don’t know how to quite work it still to get the full potential out of it, but I’ll get there with a little help with my friends.

I’m currently in a chamber room with 3 of my fellow saxophonists. They’re all practicing. One is now playing the piano as they go back and forth. One will start the piano part then the others will join in on the saxophone part. It’s Calvin, Dennis, and Eric. 

Calvin’s doing a lot of goofing off. A lot of goofing off. Small reminders of why we work together.

The other saxophonist is in another practice room of her own. That’s how she gets stuff done. I’m the same way. I couldn’t practice with these 3. 

Half of the time is Dennis and Calvin talking in Cantonese though. And laughing. One will play something, they’ll laugh, say something in Cantonese, they imitate each other.

It’s pretty funny really.

And it’ll probably come up a lot in this post due to the amount of attention they’re taking of mine. That didn’t make sense. I don’t know how to say that.

But the past few weeks have flown by. Flown by in such a way that I really haven’t dedicated the time to comprehend all of it. Then again, I haven’t really had the time to do such.

Well, okay, I have. Kind of. It’s confusing. 

Minnesota was cold. Minnesota was a difficult drive there and back. I’m pretty sure that school was ruled out for grad school.

The more I talk to Calvin about it, the more likely it sounds like he’ll stay. He also talks frequently about the future. In such a way that he hopes it includes me.

Now that I think about it, we’ve been together for almost 3 months. Considering how long we’ve known each other for though… It’s just flown by. 

I keep looking at time and I feel like my perception of it is decreasing. I go day by day and barely even grasp that time is going by. It’s just… when’s my next obligation? What time do I have to be across campus? Go to class, only thinking about what I have to do after that class is over. Or thinking what I can do after that class is over. 

It’s scarring me. I don’t like the whole “not living in the present” thing.

Part of that I am aware is anxiety. 

Lists? I like lists.

I should make a list of things to talk about with my therapist. Our sessions have gotten quite stagnant. 

Just like my writing. I can’t do this with 3 saxophonists in a room. 

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