Discover

I am constantly in discovery.

Sometimes, I find myself in others.

Right now, I’m finding myself in a situation I never anticipated.

So, I got one of those smart phone things all the young kids have. I mean, being 20-years-old and not having one… it’s just so incredibly nifty. Makes my life a lot easier in some ways. Harder in that apps are addicting. 

I’ve been having all sorts of fun with Snapchat, QuizUp, etc.. I was scrolling through the App Store with my sister when I came across Tiny Wings. Now, I remember playing that game obsessively when I was dating Sean. All the time, I’d take his phone and play it. I got really good at it. It’s a stupidly addicting game. I don’t know why on earth I spent $0.99 on it… 

Mistakes.

Whoops.

But now we’re talking. I’m talking to Sean. I don’t really know why. I don’t think any harm will come of it. Except Calvin’s the jealous type (or so he tells me) and I just don’t know.

Especially because I initiated it. 

That’s going to look bad unless I tell him at some point.

At the same time though, it’s not really much of his business. I don’t ask him about his conversations with his exes. I’ve asked questions about them, yes, but not out of envy or a desire to keep him from them. Maybe out of sheer curiosity. Real, genuine curiosity. I don’t know. I just like to know things. I guess I was also trying to gage where he was with his exes as to then see how I could proceed with mine.

I mean, I’m one that typically likes to burn bridges the whole way down then leave them disconnected. Once something is done, I let it be done and move on with my life. Now, I’m wondering if that’s such a good way to live.

I mean, Calvin and I had a great talk last night. I know we haven’t been together long, but even some of our friends joke about our future together and it’s really intimidating. I want to take things super slow. I mean, some things (i.e. sex) we didn’t waste time with, but other things.

I mean, I don’t want to hold back, but I want to… ugh.

There are just so many words flowing through my head and I can’t process them. Mostly I just want to talk to him for hours on end and not feel worried, rushed, or pressured. I want to tell him everything. At the same time, I’m too scared to. I want to wait to tell him things. I want to keep things hidden. I want to wait. I want to wait. 

I’m also just so overwhelmed by my life. I have all this time. All this incredible time. I’m supposed to be doing a lot of things with that time like cleaning and organizing and meditating and getting my life back in order. 

I haven’t really been doing any of that.

Okay, I have, it just doesn’t feel like enough. 

I’m just so upset right now. 

Mostly because while I know I should be focusing on myself, I worry about the people around me and I focus so much on them I ignore my own problems.

I want to discover the world around me, the people around me.

But I still need time to discover myself.

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