My doctor has told me to make multiple posts as so I can organize my thoughts more clearly.
I also have downloaded the WordPress App so expect many more posts from now on.
My eyes are really tired from either staring at homework, my computer, my phone, my TV, or my cat. Or all the above. I can’t really think right now.
Maybe I shall do a recap of the last few weeks, yes?
I’ll start from Calvin getting back because that’s where shit started to fly everywhere and I haven’t been able to find it since.
When he got back, we weren’t apart for at least 5 days I think.
In Iowa City, I think the only times I didn’t see him were when I was at home showering. Then we left for Indiana.
It was great to see him again. It was great to be with him again. By the end of it though, we needed to be alone to recharge. I really needed it at least. It was fine.
Classes started. My anxiety was sky high. I could barely go to class. It was bad. I did it though and that was fine. It was fine. I made it through my first week with few attacks.
That weekend, Calvin and I went to Minnesota. The drive itself was bad just because of poor weather. Of course on both days we were driving it was just awful. We had some good talks on those drives though. I mean, I feel like I got to know him better. My anxiety was so bad on those trips looking back, I don’t feel like I was myself and am quite ashamed of that.
Only at a few moments do I feel like I was myself.
Only a few moments these past 3 or so weeks have I felt like myself. That’s a long time to feel unlike yourself.
I’ve also noticed that I’ve gained weight since he’s gotten back. I’ve also noticed I’ve just been eating more and more frequently. That doesn’t make me happy at all. That makes me feel worse.
This week was just… weird. Still not feeling like myself. Becoming increasingly overwhelmed with the never-ending list of things I need to do. Feeling incredibly fatigued and sluggish. Napping constantly. Heart palpitations and tremors daily. Vomiting on one occasion. Dizziness. Frustration. Overwhelmed.
I’m just… unable to process my life right now. I think a large part of that is that I haven’t given the introvert in me time to recharge by myself. I haven’t been able to sit and think just by myself for a set time. When I have had time alone, I’ve been sleeping because I’m so exhausted.
I’m not even a full time student. My aunt made a comment on my schedule today. She laughed at my “part-time student” because I wasn’t really even being a part time student. Even with only 8 semester hours I still have class every day and at least 2 classes a day. I’m still participating in a lot of things and have a lot of chaos in my life. She laughed because I wasn’t doing what I really should be doing, and that’s taking a break.
She was also the aunt that took me to the hospital. She is also my actual Godmother.
That kind of blew my mind when I found that out.
I know why my parents had always told me that my aunt Denise was my godmother. Denise would have been furiously jealous had she not been named a godparent of one of us. Diane was already Olivia’s godmother, so naturally Denise would be mine.
I trust my Aunt Christine more though. I also see her more and like her more as a person.
I’m just finding that I’m so scared of upsetting/disappointing the people around me. I don’t know where I’m getting these expectations from, but I feel them and they’re suffocating me.
Like I’ve said in the last few posts. I’m just so incredibly overwhelmed right now and I’m not sure how to cope.