The Worst Failure

There are certain instances with certain people that I feel like a failure.

I feel like a failure at specific things too.

For instance: when I hang out with my good friends from high school Christine, Kathryn, and Vicky, I tend to feel like a failure of a girl. They’re so knowledgable on make-up, the latest skin care routines, and gossip that I just sit and listen. It’s still fun, but I often go home feeling less womanly. 

Some times, being with Calvin also makes me feel like that. He asked me for an opinion on a pair of shoes that he liked. He ended up just buying them anyway. I don’t know. I also made the mistake of saying at lunch/dinner that the Hawkeye victory was the highlight of my day when I had just picked him up from the airport. If the gender roles could be switched…. 

Lately, I’ve just noticed that I’m letting several people down a lot. 

With my professional fraternity, everyone looks at me all friendly, but I can only imagine what they’re saying behind my back. I want to come clean. I want to explain to them why I failed at my position. I want to explain that I wish more than anything that I could go back and do it over again and fix it. I want them to know the hell I went through and to be forgiven.

But in all honesty, I don’t deserve that and I’d be too scared to. There are some girls in that fraternity that would then look at my shoulders with a critical eye and wonder how insane I was to cut myself there and judge me.

I’m a person full of mistakes. Even at work, I feel like I’m balancing on a fine line. I’m becoming more crass and I know this isn’t me but it’s becoming me. I can’t take that.

I don’t want that.

I’m disappointing myself and that’s the worst failure.

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