I’m finding myself increasingly frustrated with my person.
Questions from people make me question my own self-worth. It’s pretty miserable.
It’s little things. It’s the questions from people for the last two years. “Are you still a music major?” “Are you music therapy too?” “Are you still in the studio?” “Are you in SAI?” “Do you still do music?”
Technically, yes. Yes to all these questions. That’s what my degree audit says. Well, almost.
I still haven’t had Dr. Tse sign the sheet saying I’m music therapy officially. It’s a reminder in my phone.
I’m feeling more and more incompetent. It’s a sickening feeling that sinks to the bottom of your spine and festers.
I’ve been dying for a cigarette all day. I had one last night before I saw Calvin and Dennis. I’m not sure when I’m going to be able to go out an have one. I’m watching some friends’ belongings then I’m waiting for another friend to get done practicing so we can go to class.
I’m tired of things not being on my terms. I don’t have a strong enough will. It’s disgusting. I tried to stay home a couple of times and not with Calvin just because Leo was crying a lot and I wanted to drink and be by myself.
Of course, he convinced me to come over.
Because I can’t do anything on my own.
It just makes me infuriatingly mad.
I don’t like other people having this kind of power over me. It’s beyond frustrating. I don’t like feeling like I’m not in control.
I know one lie. I can get through my next class without a cigarette.
I will make it.
I will also just let the others go into the mall without me for a few minutes. That’s when I’m having my cigarette. Or two.
Is that better than cutting?
Well, it’s apparently less noticeable.
My heart is just thumping. Hammering.
I am not in control of my substance, so I rely upon substance to control me.
For the last week, I’ve just been battling feelings of insignificance, incompetence, and inferiority.