Recharge

At times, this world doesn’t seem big enough.

My world certainly isn’t big enough.

There are so many people, so many personalities, so many ticks, so many languages, so much knowledge, and I know so little of it.

I’m not sure what bothers me more.

Knowing I will never know it all no matter how much I spread myself and broaden my horizons…

Or that even those around me remain an enigma – including myself.

And I’m constantly burdened by the fault that is in every human.

It’s selfish, I know.

I value a few broad things and detest their antonyms.

Selflessness ranks high. Selfishness, extremely low.

Selflessness breeds kindness and generosity. It is considerate and thoughtful. It requires insight and intellect. In purity, it is true and honest. The act of giving is beautiful. I try to give to those that I feel closest to every day, whether it be giving a ride, advice, or an actual tangible gift. I love to give. My dad says I get that from my mom, but I get it from him too. Both of my parents gave themselves completely to everything they loved – their careers, their family, and each other.

That’s the kind of love I want. That’s the kind of life I want.

Intellect ranks high. Stupidity, extremely low.

This is why I am so harsh on myself. I was raised with high expectations and therefore have higher expectations for myself. A graduate degree of some sort is a must. Expanding my knowledge beyond my field of study is mandatory. Simple errors like spelling and grammar are inexcusable. Of course, my style of writing breaks that quite a bit… or a lot. A lot. I am to be well-rounded. I am to sound like an educated individual. Knowledge is power when it is put into action. To be logical and rational is to be mature and sophisticated. Intellect maintains stability.

I have always been a quick study at nearly everything I do.

I am fiercely loyal to those who I am close to. I take rejection of my gifts or offers of assistance very personally. I think everything through in a million different ways. I play scenarios out in my head. A simple phrase of “I’m upset” or “I can’t believe it” makes my brain go on overdrive.

My brain is almost always on overdrive.

Until I burn myself out and have to recharge. Much like yesterday and today.

Calvin had no idea I went home to my parents’ place. Nicole was terrified yesterday before I left. I know here I am safe – here, I won’t debate picking up a razor blade too quickly.

That’s what drove me home last night. It scared me how strong my desire was to get back to my apartment just so I could cut again. That was after a few cigarettes too. That isn’t a good sign at all.

I’m still pretty burnt out. I didn’t really get time to recharge.

I don’t really get time to recharge.

I should probably change my availability at work. I need to do something about this.

I need to have at least one day a week where I’m not doing anything.

No work. No school. No obligations. Just me.

Just me and myself working on me and myself.

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