Binge Frustration

I’m sorry for harassing the blogging community today, but I’m on a binge currently.

More so, I forgot about my doctor’s appointment today and missed it. 

Why?

Because I’m a fucking idiot, that’s why.

It’s… UGH.

I’M SO FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF.

I take 2 Lorazepam yesterday and it fucks everything up. I’m so behind on work I need to do. I’m trying my best to help Calvin since he’s stressed. That’s my problem.

I have issues telling people when I need help and how they can help me. I just blindly try to keep doing things on my own and end up fucking everything up. Then I pick up the pieces for everyone else when I can’t even pick up the pieces to my own life.

Probably because my life isn’t in pieces that can be picked back up gingerly.

Everything is fragmented. The more I think about one task, the more I think about 5 other tasks that go with it. Each of those 5 tasks have 5 other tasks to go with them. It keeps going until I become increasingly overwhelmed and cease the ability to function. Each time I try to pick up one piece, something else falls or I scratch myself or I don’t even fucking know. 

I’m just pretty tired of feeling like this.

But of course, I’m too much of a fuck-up to do much about it.

Like going to my doctor’s appointments.

Fuck. Me.

I remember about…. 3 months ago making a diagram of things that are rewarding and things that are stressing me out. I think I’ll make another one of those.

I already know the scales have been quite altered. School is no where near as large as a stress as it used to be. Work and Calvin though… haven’t been as… rewarding is the best way to put it. They aren’t necessarily stressing me out as much, but they aren’t exactly making me feel any better about myself.

God, that sounds so selfish.

I can’t have it all, can I?

I’m just ready to go to sleep and it’s 3:30 PM. 

*Fuming frustration*

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