This post is very personal and will probably get me into a lot if trouble. At the same time, this is my journal for when things are clogging up my mind.
This happens to just be extremely personal not just for me though.
Here’s to it: that one sex post.
I have been sexually active since I was 17. It was with my third boyfriend, Sean. We first started sleeping together after we had been dating for about 6 months. I was so comfortable around him. Of course I was self-conscious and we were both awkward, but I’ll never regret him as my first. Ever. Every part of my body that I hated, he took it and made it feel beautiful.
That was something I never expected from him that now I’ve come to expect from myself.
I had always thought that after Sean and I broke up, I’d probably sleep around with guys. Don’t get me wrong, the opportunities were there. Multiple times from parties, guys would try to take me home. I never did though. I don’t even really know what stopped me either. I was single, on birth control, and had no prospective guys that were viable options to date. I didn’t have a thing to loose.
I’m okay that I didn’t sleep with any of them though.
Especially now that I’m with Calvin.
He scared me, though.
It took me 6 months to sleep with Sean. It took just over 24 hours to sleep with Calvin.
I will probably never get over that small fact. I don’t know why. I’ve tried asking Calvin if it bothers him, but I don’t get the impression that it does.
Not only am I still becoming comfortable around him as a person, my body and sexuality… It’s a lot of handle.
Especially since I hadn’t experimented much with how to please myself until well after Sean and I had started sleeping together.
It’s still very new to me. Calvin believes I’m much more experienced than I am. That puts a lot of pressure on me.
Also, not very often with him have I been completely satisfied. It’s not that the sex isn’t great. It is. It just takes me more to come than simple sex.
I also give him a lot if attention. Now, he tells me what he likes. It took us a while to get there, but now he’s comfortable.
It’s not reciprocated and I know I should just talk to him about it but fuck is that awkward.
Especially when I’m in the mood and he isn’t. Usually I’m the one who isn’t in the mood rejecting sex from people. It’s not fun being in the opposite chair. It’s also incredible embarrassing and awkward.
This entire thing is awkward.
Sex is awkward.
But shit is it important.