The Streak is Over

I had been clean for almost 100 days.

I just broke.

I just relapsed.

I just cut for the first time this year.

Over 80 days.

I had been clean for probably closer to 90 days.

The streak is over.

Say hello to my demons.


Communication Errors

Reasons why I really don’t like being away from home right now:

When I’m having a bad day and I don’t really want to be around people but I’m at a conference in which I paid money to be at and I’ve pretty much just thrown that money away and now I sit in a very expensive hotel room hungry as hell and I just want to order some pizza but I probably shouldn’t because then Calvin would be upset that I ate without him but he also hasn’t even tried to check-up on me once so why the fuck do I care I already made him mad at me today so that’s probably why he hasn’t checked on me he’s busy at the conference with people and being social which is good but here I am being stupid and shit and he’s mad.

That didn’t make any sense.

So, Calvin is upset with me. 

The reason:

He went to quartet rehearsal since they perform tomorrow. Michael and I decided to chill out and wait for a recital duo that performed from 11:40-12:00. It was kinda sorta really bad. Okay, I’m being judgmental because the music was very very new (world premier) and a lot of that stuff tends to be super atonal and just difficult to enjoy for me personally. It also went over. Over 20 minutes of hell song. Yeah. Didn’t put me in the best of moods. 

I’ve also just felt really weird being at this conference. It’s put me in a weird mood. Being on my period really isn’t helping either.

We were trying to figure out where to go for lunch. Mostly, we were trying to find where they went to lunch so we could meet up with them. I got impatient waiting for him to text me back. Not impatient in a bad way. I wasn’t really upset or anything, I just wanted to know where we were going before we accidentally walked in the wrong direction or something. I also just really hate texting when calling someone is so much faster and effective. So I called him while he was in line for food. And I’m just a very direct person. I now realize that I can come off pretty demanding. It’s really just that I’m straightforward. I like to cut the crap and get the information I need as to get what needs to be done accomplished. To most of my friends, they’re just as straightforward. Before Calvin, I never even thought that it could be taken as me being rude. Really, I’m joking around and just wanting to get the information I need as quickly as possible.

But he got upset. He got food for me too. But he got mad. And it wasn’t even for something I meant to do. He just misinterpreted me. He hates being misinterpreted. I hate it too. 

I think I hate it more now because we have this problem of communicating without really communicating. We think we’re telling the other person something when really we fail to actually tell them what it is we actually want/need. We make a lot of assumptions until one person gets upset and the whole thing blows up.

I mean, we have an interesting form of communication to begin with. Often times, words aren’t needed or even close to obtaining the goal. 

In times like this, I just wish he would stop and think. Get perspective. He assumes A LOT with me. A LOT. Sometimes it’s right. Sometimes it isn’t. When it isn’t, I tend to just roll with it and not address it because it isn’t a big deal. But now I’m realizing that it is a big deal and I should care more but I really find that hard to do.

I’m going to take a nap. Fuck this.


I am currently sitting in a hotel room at the North American Saxophone Alliance Conference. I feel like I don’t belong.

So many talented people that are mostly saxophonists… it’s intimidating.

I came because Calvin’s quartet advanced to the next round as did many of my other friends and I wanted to support them. Funny thing is, I didn’t get to hear his quartet play. I will though tomorrow morning. 

I don’t know. He told me I should go for the “learning experience”. I know, I’ve learned a lot.

It just… it’s not very applicable to me. 

I feel like an amateur. I feel like I don’t know anything. It’s kinda nice, I get to sit back and just listen. Then I get looks because people expect me to contribute. I’m confident in saying pass, but it’s very exhausting.

I’m also just exhausted from this. It’s not a spring break. It’s difficult. I tire easily. 

It’s also pretty exhausting to listen to recitals all day long. 

I’ll be going to a masterclass here in a little bit. Dr. Murphy will be lecturing. I just have to keep reminding myself that I payed a lot of money to come to this conference so I better show up. 

I also know it’ll be packed, it’ll be interesting, but it’ll be packed. I don’t feel like a crowded room right now.

I’m just tired, I want to cry, and most importantly, I want to sleep.

I’m not a saxophonist. What am I doing?


Caffeine is a dangerous drug for me.

One cup of coffee will wake me up.

One more cup of coffee will make me want to throw up.

I’m sitting on a bar stool in my parents home. I plan to stay for dinner, but not overnight. Leo needs to be fed again and I have to pick up Eric from Cedar Rapids. I’d rather drive some tonight than to try to do so much driving tomorrow. 

I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. I’m overwhelmed because due to my sicknesses, I’m not doing as well in my one music therapy class. I’m not doing very well in any of my classes actually. But I need to put things in perspective.

I’m worried.

I’m just so, incredibly worried and worked up right now.

Honestly, I want to go for a run, but it’s so cold out and I don’t feel like having a cold run. 

I just got a butt dial from one of my aunts. It relieved something for a little bit, but not much.

Maybe I’ll call Diego on my ride home. I’d think about calling Calvin, but he’s probably busy with people at the conference and with the results of the competition coming out soon that he won’t answer nor be able to talk for long.

That’s why I can always count on Diego. It’s nothing against Calvin or any of my other friends. Seriously. It’s just that I know Diego in that he will always make time for me. That sounds so horrible. I would do the same for him though. It’s just what we do. Unless if there was honestly a way in which we couldn’t talk at that moment. If so, we call each other back 30 minutes later. It’s just a weird, unspoken rule thing. It’s also the only time in which I get a call from Diego.

I’m shaking so horribly right now. My legs are bouncing in my seat and my arms are moving as I type. 

This is horribly annoying. 

I have this thing in my gut that I feel like is eating me alive. 

I’m stuck in my head.

Isn’t this just awful.

Part of me really doesn’t even care either. 

I’m so used to living like this that I don’t care. I know that I’m probably going to vomit soon. Once that happens, my stomach will feel better but my head will feel foggy. Every part of my body will feel heavier, so I’ll curl up into a little ball. Maybe I’ll fall asleep, maybe I’ll be in the hazy-daze thing that happens when I don’t fall asleep. It’s weird.

I’m just…. wrong.

This is just wrong.

I’m not living my life right right now. 

It’s incorrect.

But I don’t know how to correct it.


It’s always amazing how just a few minutes, a few words, a few people can make you revert to ways that you were years ago.

I know it’s a psychological phenomenon, but it never ceases to amaze me. 

Mostly, it never ceases to make me question myself.

I look at the growth I’ve made in the past 5 years. 4 years. 3 years. 2 years. 1 year. 6 months. 6 weeks.

5 years ago I was a sophomore in high school. I had just begun taking private saxophone lessons and got the horn I still play on. I had a different setup, but my teacher could only pride in the strides I’d made in such a short time. I had changed drastically as a player. I was dating Ben. I was alienated from my “friends” and things never really were the same with them after that. I wasn’t one to blindly follow without thinking of my own stance on something for a little bit. I also wasn’t as judgmental of people as the girls I hung around. They didn’t take too kindly to that, so I became a target. I became closer to the guys I still consider to be my best friends. I experienced my first break-up. It hurt, especially because we were so close and it just simply wasn’t working. 

4 years ago I was a junior in high school. I had my first audition for All-State. I grew as a player, but I was horribly underprepared. I dated my second boyfriend, which was not a…. eh… it was what it was and nothing more. I became closer with some people but learned not to trust those who had hurt me before. I learned how to play the clarinet as we had 3 clarinets in my high school band. I learned to be happy being single and that I didn’t need someone all the time. It was a good year with minimal conflict and enjoying the company of those around me. I received one of the two best compliments I have ever received. I cried because of it. 

3 years ago I was a senior in high school. I was arrogant and bossy. I was in charge. I enjoyed being in charge and having responsibility. I was overconfident in my abilities without putting in the effort. I did well in school. I started dating Sean. I auditioned for All-State again and fell one short for making the cut. I was hurt and scared that colleges wouldn’t accept me. I auditioned for my potential colleges. I received scholarship offers from every school except the one I wanted to go to. I still went there. And that has both destroyed me and given me more than I could have ever asked. 

2 years ago I was a freshman in college. My eyes were wide and I was open to the world around me. I closed myself off when things began to take a turn for the worse. I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. I made new friends. Some have stayed, some have gone. I changed majors and underwent a huge identity crisis that is still with me to this day. I experienced another heartbreak with Sean. We eventually got back together due to my inability to be alone. I fell for the guy who I am with currently. He fell for someone else. I let that heartbreak go, but the ache never subsided. It still haunts me, especially because she still haunts me. 

1 year ago I was a sophomore in college. I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I hoped that I would find someone to make me whole. I discovered how wrong that was and tried to make myself whole. I don’t think I ever really succeeded. I experimented with drugs, both prescription and nonprescription on the occasion. I broke more times than I care admit. I let substance control me. I wasn’t safe with myself and became reckless. Each time I did, my self-hatred grew. I became closer with those in my studio and grew confidence in my saxophone playing. I received the second best compliment I had ever received indirectly. I cried then, too. 

6 months ago I was beginning my junior year in college. I entered into one of the best and worst years I have experienced yet. I was section leader of my section for marching band. My peers broke me. I broke. I shattered completely. So much so, my doctor hospitalized me. It was not by my choice. I went on a wild ride with Calvin. He threw me around as his mind shifted between his own heartbreak and his desire with me. I still don’t know what was going on through his brain during that whole ordeal. I was able to convince him somehow to be with me. He has changed me so much in more ways than I care to admit. He has made me happy for the first time in such a long time. He has made me care more about myself which is something I desperately needed. I have become more dependent upon him, yes, but I have also undergone much personal growth. Some people think it’s all because of him. While he was the catalyst, much of it now is by my own desire for my own self. I do things because I like to. I like feeling beautiful. I feel better when I wear clothes that look nice on me or when I wear makeup. Sure, it takes more time, but I realize that the effort creates a much better affect on my wellbeing. Screw laziness. I’m a whole new person.

I’m still a mess. I’m still a work in progress. I will never be finished until I die.

But I can say with confidence now, with so much more confidence than I had 6 months ago, that I won’t be going anywhere any time soon. 

I am here. I am growing and don’t know where I’m growing to. But there’s a beauty in not caring about that because I will never know. I can’t know. I can’t plan. I will just keep going and living until something or someone calls me someday. 

There is so much beauty, so much terrifying beauty in not knowing. And all there is to do is grow into that unknown. 


You tell me you don’t like getting “butterflies”.

Yet every time you’re in a different room and I’m in bed and you’re about to come back in I get excited. Those “butterflies” come around.

It reminds me of how lucky I am and how lucky we are. I love them. They remind me that I love you.

Every little noise makes them flutter. Every creak in your building creating more anticipation.

I’ve slept enough nights without you that I don’t want to do that if I don’t have to.

So I’ll wait.

And so will the butterflies I love so much.


I’ve been doing this 100 happy days on Instagram lately. I still wake up feeling sad.

Had a very good talk with my therapist yesterday. I’m all sorts of confused. My whole life is confused.

Things are messy in a lot of ways right now and I’m not sure where to go.

I’m not very happy with the way my life is going. I’m very tired. I’ve been gaining weight. I have trouble sleeping. I don’t feel comfortable in my skin and I’m feeling less so every day.

I guess that’s a better way to describe it.

I just feel very uncomfortable with my life right now.


Today, I accidentally missed work again.

I have been under much duress and anxiety for some unknown reason.

Due to this, I have decided to take a hiatus from work. I will make it official tomorrow and sit down with my manager to do so. 

I do like my job a lot and I desperately want to continue to work there. I believe I could have lost my job today had it not been for some very fortunate friends I have made there.

My family really shined through today for me. Mostly my dad. We begun to have a better understanding for what I need from him and the relationship we should have. It’s been a great blessing.

I slept most of today. I’m already tired. 

I feel very down and upset. I know I look it too. 

Honestly, I want to curl up with a cup of tea, watch a movie, then sleep. 

Will that probably happen? No.

Does it sadden me that it could but the likelihood of it actually happening is slim? Yes.

I should have added that I’m scared to sleep in my own bed right now due to a need to fully clean my room for bed bugs. Yeah. Gross.

My bed-mate for the bowl trip has confided in the rest of our roommates for said trip that she has bed bugs and that we are advised to do a deep clean of our bedrooms and clothes as it is believed that the time of infestation was due to our travels to Florida.

That’s terrifying.

It also could explain the rash I’ve had on my stomach since winter break. 

But today was a mess and I didn’t have time but I also told Calvin I wanted the night off which isn’t true now but it is it’s just I don’t want to sleep in my own bed and damn why didn’t I just go home-home?


I’m just all sorts of upset and not finding enough time to deal with it.


It takes an invincible person to be undefined.

To be undefined is to defy human nature. It goes against all basic principles and the foundation of humanity.

We function to be communal. The desires to belong are ingrained in us.

We group upon our beliefs of how we view ourselves and the world around us. Religion is an obvious example. Also, political parties, support groups, even schools, it’s community.

We look at ourselves and question who we are and what we believe in. What do we like versus what we don’t like. Based upon that, we “find” ourselves through the exploration of these beliefs.

We learn from others. We learn from success and failure. We learn through experience.

But to be undefined…

We identify ourselves by our experiences, likes, and beliefs. Who we are is constantly questioned. Are you smart? Are you beautiful? Are you talented? Are you funny? Etc.

To be undefined…

I “find” myself going through more and more identity crises. I am someone who loves music. I value selflessness. I want to help others. I want to respect others. I’m goofy. I’m depressed and anxious.

To be undefined… I believe it’s an intangible goal. To be free of the constraints of human nature. To not feel the constant need to belong to anyone or anything. To be completely independent nor need anyone to rely upon you. It seems too beautiful to be true.

There are people in our world that are undefined. I know. People probably think it’d be a horrible way to live, numb from society.


I think it’s beautiful.