Caffeine is a dangerous drug for me.
One cup of coffee will wake me up.
One more cup of coffee will make me want to throw up.
I’m sitting on a bar stool in my parents home. I plan to stay for dinner, but not overnight. Leo needs to be fed again and I have to pick up Eric from Cedar Rapids. I’d rather drive some tonight than to try to do so much driving tomorrow.
I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. I’m overwhelmed because due to my sicknesses, I’m not doing as well in my one music therapy class. I’m not doing very well in any of my classes actually. But I need to put things in perspective.
I’m just so, incredibly worried and worked up right now.
Honestly, I want to go for a run, but it’s so cold out and I don’t feel like having a cold run.
I just got a butt dial from one of my aunts. It relieved something for a little bit, but not much.
Maybe I’ll call Diego on my ride home. I’d think about calling Calvin, but he’s probably busy with people at the conference and with the results of the competition coming out soon that he won’t answer nor be able to talk for long.
That’s why I can always count on Diego. It’s nothing against Calvin or any of my other friends. Seriously. It’s just that I know Diego in that he will always make time for me. That sounds so horrible. I would do the same for him though. It’s just what we do. Unless if there was honestly a way in which we couldn’t talk at that moment. If so, we call each other back 30 minutes later. It’s just a weird, unspoken rule thing. It’s also the only time in which I get a call from Diego.
I’m shaking so horribly right now. My legs are bouncing in my seat and my arms are moving as I type.
This is horribly annoying.
I have this thing in my gut that I feel like is eating me alive.
I’m stuck in my head.
Isn’t this just awful.
Part of me really doesn’t even care either.
I’m so used to living like this that I don’t care. I know that I’m probably going to vomit soon. Once that happens, my stomach will feel better but my head will feel foggy. Every part of my body will feel heavier, so I’ll curl up into a little ball. Maybe I’ll fall asleep, maybe I’ll be in the hazy-daze thing that happens when I don’t fall asleep. It’s weird.
I’m just…. wrong.
This is just wrong.
I’m not living my life right right now.
But I don’t know how to correct it.