Fake

I am currently sitting in a hotel room at the North American Saxophone Alliance Conference. I feel like I don’t belong.

So many talented people that are mostly saxophonists… it’s intimidating.

I came because Calvin’s quartet advanced to the next round as did many of my other friends and I wanted to support them. Funny thing is, I didn’t get to hear his quartet play. I will though tomorrow morning. 

I don’t know. He told me I should go for the “learning experience”. I know, I’ve learned a lot.

It just… it’s not very applicable to me. 

I feel like an amateur. I feel like I don’t know anything. It’s kinda nice, I get to sit back and just listen. Then I get looks because people expect me to contribute. I’m confident in saying pass, but it’s very exhausting.

I’m also just exhausted from this. It’s not a spring break. It’s difficult. I tire easily. 

It’s also pretty exhausting to listen to recitals all day long. 

I’ll be going to a masterclass here in a little bit. Dr. Murphy will be lecturing. I just have to keep reminding myself that I payed a lot of money to come to this conference so I better show up. 

I also know it’ll be packed, it’ll be interesting, but it’ll be packed. I don’t feel like a crowded room right now.

I’m just tired, I want to cry, and most importantly, I want to sleep.

I’m not a saxophonist. What am I doing?

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