The Sound Of Settling: “You”

Here is yet another drunken update.

I sit in my apartment – a good amount of intoxicated – yet very easily swayed in any emotion presented correctly.

Whether that be elation or anger, I can flip very easily. Yet, I still think fairly rationally.

I’m just a lot quicker to mood swings and am feeling pretty good overall.

That’s how I know I’m good.

This is good.

GOD DAMN IT. TOO GOOD. I NEED TO FOCUS.

I want to pick up my alcohol from the party I was at. I was outside having a smoke with one of the freshman bassoonists when the cops came and busted it. I took him to my place just to chill out, but very quickly he said he was gonna catch up with some friends which was good because…

UGH.

I’m just…. UGH.

I don’t go out anymore.

I’m pretty okay with this. I mean, I go out every once and a while. I drink with good friends. I usually text/message Calvin at some point through out the night. I haven’t gained back the weight I lost due to quitting drinking for a while. The number of times I’ve gone out this year… I could count them on one hand. The number of times I’ve been drunk this year I could count on one hand. Last year… that same number would be the number of times I went out on one month.

I went out a lot last year. I got drunk a lot. I have a lot of great memories, stories, and bonding times with friends I barely see anymore. I also remember thinking the whole time that I should date someone who could come with me and be my equal at these kind of events and such.

Calvin has proven himself as such.

He went to Saxmas with me. I was so proud and happy and… I can’t even explain the emotions. My alcohol that I won there is still at his place. I haven’t touched it since that night.

It still sucks though going to parties alone and then calling/texting him later while I’m drunk and he’s doing work and I can only think, ‘Is this the way it’s gonna be next year?’

I sure as hell hope not.

Because I won’t be in marching band. I probably won’t be in SAI. I don’t know what events I’ll get invited to. Probably none. I’ll just be going to the bars. Getting hit on by men that I’m attracted to but not interested in. Also remaining fiercely loyal to a relationship.

I can tell anyone right now that Calvin is the best thing that has happened to me.

Him and Leo.

Leo has motivated me to take responsibility for my life.

Calvin has made me accountable.

Lots of people have noticed the difference. I take more time and care in my personal appearance (partially due to me just knowing how to do my make-up, part of it being last semester being a dark hole full of “I can’t even shower I’m so depressed how am I out of bed”.) I’m getting my act together. It’s a good thing. It’s a really good thing.

I still cling to my vices, though.

I still smoke. In fact, I’ve started smoking more regularly. I need to stop. I need to quit now before I become addicted. It’s a vicious cycle that starts and ends now. I just need to be strong enough to realize that I can and will be okay without tobacco.

I think about sex. A lot. A lot more than the average person might expect. Probably not. For the first time, I’m not on birth control and I have an active sex drive and I want to use it. Reasons why I’m terrified of Calvin going some where other than Iowa for his Master’s Degree….

I know he will though. An almost full ride scholarship to Indiana and Rousseau at Minnesota…

Granted, we still have Tse. But Calvin is thinking of coming back for his Doctorate.

It’s hard! I have yet to feel successful at a long-distance relationship. Every single time I have tried one, I haven’t really been invested in it from the beginning. But this one I am. I’m so invested in it, it seriously terrifies me.

I don’t know what to do. I take one look at this guy and realize I am so in over my head and he probably isn’t and I realize that one of these days when he goes away for whatever degree it is, he’s going to find some prettier, more talented girl and he’ll realize that he can do so much better than me. I’ve even said this to our friends and they have yet to say anything. I shouldn’t say that they agree, but they don’t disagree. Not openly at least.

He can.

He probably will.

I’m just scared for how that’s going to leave me.

It’s hard for me to not think long term. I’m just not that kind of girl. Sure, I don’t know what’s going to happen and I don’t have expectations. Expectations are different from hopes and dreams though.

And I’m a dreamer.

Of course, I haven’t thought more than a few years down the road with us, but I see myself traveling to Hong Kong next winter. I want that to be a surprise Christmas gift to him, but we’ll see how long I can keep up that scheme.

But I think long term. You know, one of the reasons why he didn’t want to date me was because he thought I was thinking more long term with this. I told him that I didn’t know what I was thinking because honestly, I didn’t know. I hoped though.

I am a lot more invested in this than he is.

Examples:

He’s met, talked to, openly showed himself to my friends and family. Even close ones. Like Christian. He has yet to meet Diego, but that’s in the works and once he meets Diego… I don’t know if I can turn back.

I’ve talked to him mom. For about… 2 minutes. It was awkward. It didn’t go over well. He brushed over it like it was nothing, saying I was “shy”.

Every other conversation he’s had with a close friend or family member since we’ve been dating: I’m invisible. I’m not to talk unless I’m being directly addressed.

It’s not like it really matters, though. He talks almost strictly in Cantonese with them. Not a language I am familiar with or that I can at least butcher my way through.

Most of them know a good bit of English though, so he says. But I get it. The precious time he has to spend with them, he doesn’t want to waste everyones’ time blundering our way through some English. He wants to tell them what he wants to tell them, have them do the same, then everyone leave and go about their business. Sure.

I want to share him with my friends and family because he’s so important to me.

He keeps me on the side as this thing that is in his life now, but doesn’t want to go about sharing me because it makes life difficult.

OKAY. I’M PISSED AT HIM.

I’M PISSED AT HIM FOR A LOT OF REASONS RIGHT NOW.

He almost ruined my night tonight. The constant jokes about me being drunk and if I was going to text him or not. It made me not want to have my phone on me at all. Even when I did text him, all he said was, “here it goes,” and just waited for me to be a silly, stupid drunk girl texting him. I’M A LOT MORE THAN THAT DAMN IT. I DESERVE SOME FUCKING RESPECT.

He was pissy when I picked him up today. He was upset that I didn’t give him enough notice on our double-date that had just been planned 2 hours before then. I let him know as soon as I knew. Like it was my fault.

He makes me feel guilty for wanting to go out and drink. He makes me feel guilty for being some drunken white girl. He makes me feel like I’m acting like sorority chicks every time I get drunk. It’s not fair. It makes me feel stupid and like I don’t have a brain. It makes me feel like I’m of a lower class or something stupid like that. So what if I like to get drunk?! I don’t do it that often any more, and if I do want to, do you really have to be so condescending to me about it?! You’ve barely ever been drunk, let alone gotten drunk on a regular basis to socialize and have good stories and memories with your friends.

I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry at all.

I’m sorry that even in my drunken stupor, I still want to be with you.

You, who has made me feel stupid for saying that I would walk to your place right now. Of course I would walk, I can’t drive. It’s not safe for me to drive. I would walk. By myself. In the cold. For you. Because I always will want to be with you. I’m okay by myself. Really, I am. Ultimately, I want to be with you though. I choose that. Why? Because I fucking love you, you dipshit.

You.

It’s always been you.

I just know that I haven’t always been “you” for you.

I know that.

I know that I probably will never will be.

You.

You’ve always had me, even when you didn’t intend to.

Now I wish that I was smarter. Now I wish I had been more of a closed book to you. Now I wish I could take some of the beginning.

That beginning ruined me.

You’ve always had me.

And I’ve never felt like I’ve had you.

I feel like after now, I would have had some of you.

I still don’t feel that way.

Sure, I know things. I know things that you said you’ve never shared with anyone.

I still don’t feel like I have you though.

This is the sound of settling. Except I’m not settling. You are.

And it drives me insane every day.

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