Swims

Depressive episodes are nasty little things. They can creep up on you at any moment without any notice or warning. When they hit, they hit hard. 

It’s a beautiful day outside. I woke up still pretty early-ish, around 10:15. Came home a couple of hours later. I still have Calvin’s keys since he had rehearsal this morning. Came home, was chilling with my cat and roommate. We decided to go out and throw the frisbee a little bit. Had another friend join us. Came back home and started making some Mac ‘n’ cheese just because. I haven’t really been hungry recently, but you know, that’s okay. I had only had some toast this morning so I figured I should eat something more. Had some yogurt while it was cooking. My sister started pocket texting me numbers so I called her just so she’d know. We ended up talking for some time. 

I went to drain my pasta, ended up having every single bit of pasta down the sink. Skill.

It was funny.

I was disappointed, but funny. 

Stephanie really demanded that we go shopping today later so I agreed just because I didn’t know what else to say. I honestly didn’t want to go shopping with her because she takes way too long at each store and I’ve already been feeling annoyed with her lately. I don’t want to aggravate things by being around her when just thinking about it annoys me. I’d rather hang out with her when I’m not feeling hostile towards her. I’m sure she would to.

But my sister was being demanding that I go see her show tonight. I was planning on going tomorrow, but she insisted that I wouldn’t make it. So I bought a single ticket.

Yeah, Calvin can’t come because of a rehearsal. Not a big deal.

But because my dad’s coming to the show tonight I think I want to get dinner with him since I haven’t seen him for a few weeks. I invited Calvin to come with us, but he didn’t say yes. He didn’t say no either, it was just implied. 

Yeah… kind of annoyed already with him earlier too. While driving home, I texted him saying just to hold on for a few seconds because I was there to give him his keys. He insisted on leaving because he was already with his ride and didn’t want to keep them waiting. 

I think it’s more so he didn’t want to be getting his keys back in front of someone. 

He always tries to be discrete about it too. And while I understand it, when it inconveniences both of us he kind of needs to get over that embarrassment (when everyone knows or doesn’t care anyway) so we can get shit done.

Now I have to make an extra trip to some where I don’t need to go. 

Also, I’m always the one doing the driving, the staying, I do a lot of shit. Small things.

I’m just annoyed which is why I’m venting.

But I’m not just annoyed. I’m feeling the symptoms pretty hard right now.

I really don’t want to go to this recital to go support my friends. I mean, supporting them is the only reason to go. Other than that, I’m just feeling very upset, tired, heavy, and like I can’t talk to anyone.

Minor things. Minor things add up way more than they should. 

This week has just been hard too.

I’m so much more irritable and the weather’s been nice and I don’t get it.

My head just swims.

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