Did you know that when a young child loses a parent at a young age, certain connections made in the brain are never made so the child perceives the world in a totally different way?
I grew up in a household where I never talked about myself or how I was feeling. Everything was about my mom, the cancer treatment, etc..
I learned to get over things fast.
My father was verbally abusive and terrifying in the first few years after my mother’s passing. At times, he got violent. There are certain things I can never get over with him. He knows this, but he’ll never admit he was sorry.
He has never fully learned the impact of words. Words carry a lot more meaning than people think.
Him yelling at us then claiming he might kill himself…. Not exactly for the ears of a 10-year-old.
No one has ever stood up for me. No one has ever tried to vouch for me. In my life, if I wanted to do something, I did it through my own means.
Everything I have, everything I am, I have fought for. I’ve fought for my own damn life too many times and still do.
I do things and I do them my way. I have learned a lot from mistakes. I’m still learning.
But don’t expect me to change just because you’re in my life now overnight. This is a lifetime of conditioning you’re dealing with. It’s unrealistic and you’re taking a lot from me when you do this.
Yes, I’m burdened with it, but it’s my burden to carry. It’s not yours to deal with. Let me carry myself, my things, my thoughts, beliefs, and feelings for they are mine to carry.
If I really need help, I’ll probably ask.
I know I’m a work in progress, but this is a lifetime of conditioning you’re attempting to undo.
I’ve not afraid of a fight, either.