Honestly Okay

The weather is beautiful and life seems to throw surprises everywhere.

Not all of them are bad though.

Some are incredibly good.

Incredibly good.

Last night, a friend of mine was having some issues with her saxophone. She texted me to see if I was around to see what the problem was. Initially, I panicked. Fixing a horn for me usually means I have to play it a little bit. But I did it. I helped her figure out what the problem was. Simple. Her reed wasn’t any good. I gave her some of my reeds that I probably won’t ever use since they’re of a brand and thickness I don’t use anymore (or at least, just use on the rare occasion. Sometimes I can get a really good sound out of them.) Then, just on a whim, I went out and got my soprano.

I played, just because.

I played soprano. 

Interesting start, seeing as I’m not much of a soprano player and don’t like playing it nearly as much. But I willingly, without any prompting, played soprano, and didn’t have a panic attack.

I played saxophone and didn’t have a panic attack.

It was glorious. 

I was so excited, I called Calvin over, we went out and had a wonderful dinner, and I was in a high the rest of the evening. 

Yesterday was just the first day in a long time that I have just felt really okay. 

I feel hopeful. I feel happiness. I feel rational. I feel stable. I feel relaxed. 

Granted, I still feel overwhelmingly tired, but that’s also due to my horrible sleep schedule as of late. I’m also on edge with Calvin’s Pre-recital Hearing this afternoon. Once that’s all over, hoping on the words from him that he passed, I think I’m going to be really okay.

I’m very much okay with just feeling okay.

Okay is good.

Okay is very good.

I have also recently discovered through a friend of a group called Active Minds. It’s a group that centers around college students with mental illness, providing resources, and trying to erase the stigma against mental illness and the discussion. While I am very interested in the group and think their mission is one I want to stand for, I don’t feel mentally and emotionally prepared to talk openly about my depression by using my vocal chords. I can talk on here just fine, but I’ve always been better at expressing myself in a more clear and effective manner than by speech. 

Which probably isn’t good, seeing as my writing is very scattered most of the time.

But today they have their event called Send Silence Packing. It’s where they have backpacks all across our campus quad, or as we call it at Iowa the Pentacrest, and have facts, resources, and people advocating for mental illness. It’s a very strong message, and very important. I want to help and support it, but I need someone there to support me. 

It was hard enough passing the backpacks while riding on the bus. All I could think of was that one of those backpacks could have been mine. How close I was. How a few people made a difference.

Granted, I’m still at a balancing point. I’m standing on the middle of the lever, wanting desperately to go up, but knowing that I could very easily go down once I step on that side. Or that the downside would be easy to go to as well. 

It’s a challenge and I’m not one known for their superb balance.

But for right now, I’m okay.

Honestly, I’m okay and I love it.