Stopping Chasm

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What stops me?

Is it fear? Is it love? Is it apathy?

I’m sitting in my car, feeling sick above all things. Dizzy mostly. Probably due to my medication.

I’m very tired of playing in this endless cycle.

My body feels somewhat relaxed. My breathing is slow and even. My heart rate is steady. My muscles aren’t tensed.

My mind is another story.

I’m not the only person good at hiding things. Calvin never tells me when he talks to his ex-girlfriends. He probably thinks nothing of their conversations and thinks that telling me will only cause worry.

It’s worse because I know he’s talking to them but he hides it from me.

That makes me worried.

I’m really not the jealous type. He tells me of girls he’s friends with and I’m not bothered in the least bit by it.

I’m worried now though, because he hesitated to tell me.

To make matters worse, when I addressed it briefly, he could only say that he was sorry.

Only that.

So tell me. What’s stopping me?

I’ve never understood what’s stopped me in the past. Maybe it’s just that I’ve never actually been close enough to actually make an attempt.

Part of me knows I have been though. I have scars on my shoulders to prove that.

Before this whole ex-girlfriend fiasco, I was already having a shitty day. This only amplifies everything.

As I write, rain pours down and the chasm only gets stronger.

I asked my best friend if I was overreacting. She assured me that I wasn’t and told me I was probably under reacting. I’m just unsure of what to do in this situation.

My heart is no longer steady. My breathing is shallow.

I’m taking today off now.

I’ve had enough.

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